Disability, Sex, Marriage, Tears.

Nothing to Say

2010-06-05T20:54:00.003-04:00

Things haven't changed much. Counseling is over (costs too much) and communication has slowed to a crawl.

I started this blog with a hope that my experiences would help other people in similar circumstances, but I can't see how month after month of same-old-same-old will help anyone.

I'm sorry.

I will post if anything changes, either for the better or for the worse, but if it isn't already obvious, this blog is on indefinite hiatus.

"On Dry Spells" by Audacia Ray

2009-08-30T20:50:00.004-04:00

First, go read this post by Audacia Ray.

Done?

Good.

Just because I'm not having sex with my wife doesn't mean I'm not having sex.

It doesn't mean I'm "missing out". It doesn't mean our relationship is damaged or weak or wrong. It just means we're not having sex.

And that's all.

Now that's not to say that not having sex with my wife is a good thing. It still hurts and it still feels like there's something between us. But "fixing" that wouldn't magically make everything else into puppies and sunshine.

Through my writing and reading, and the masturbation sessions they inspire, I have sex.

I have a sex life.

Learning this has been an incredible revelation. I relief, really.

Thank you, Audacia Ray.

Therapist

2009-03-16T06:19:00.003-04:00

Finally got back to the therapist on saturday. There are things I just can't say without Kathy there to mediate, and it got a bit rocky there.

I was hard on her. She's been doing things to improve her health and preparation for a physical relationship, and told me about them, and I ignored them. I should have recognized their value.

At the same time, you can't spend all the time in preparation. Even if there are things she needs to do be ready for the kind of sex she wants to have, we shouldn't be sleeping in different beds (she's on the couch 19 nights out of 20 these days) and having no physical contact at all. Which is how things are, and it sucks.

We agreed, at the therapist, to have some kind of contact yesterday, Sunday. She spent the day in bed, and I felt like a rat reminding her of what she had agreed to. I don't like nagging about this. I don't like always always always being the one to start these conversations.

We've got another appointment next month. I'm feeling quite discouraged.

Still on hold.

2009-01-05T21:00:00.003-05:00

We had to cancel our appointment, because Dee had a migraine.

I try not to blame her for them. They're not her fault, per se. She gets stressed, and migrainy, and can't go out.

It happened today when the plumbers were scheduled to come fix our master bath. She didn't want to be alone in the house with them, she got stressed out about it, that triggered a migraine, and I stayed home with her. Problem solved. She slept through the day with the migraine (which is how I'm sure she's not faking) and now she's feeling a bit better.

Once we get back on a regular schedule with the therapist she won't have this reaction.

Therapy starting up again.

2008-12-17T06:28:00.001-05:00

Our marriage therapist, Kathy, is back from an extended hiatus due to illness. We were about ready to start over and try to find another one, but she's back and we're very grateful. I feel like we've been on hold the whole time.

We see her again on the 27th.

Jealousy

2008-06-14T13:14:00.002-04:00

As an erotica author, I feel it's important to depict sexuality accurately. I want to know what people are doing, especially when it comes to unusual circumstances; kink, polyamory, etcetera. As a result I have come in contact with many people who are having lots more sex than I am, and are public about it.

There's always a twinge of jealousy. I feel like I deserve a better situation, when it comes to sex. It's selfish, it's petty, and I'm not proud of them, but those feelings are there.

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine left her husband and children because her relationship with her husband wasn't satisfying to her, in many ways including sexually. I can't imagine what could possibly happen to make ME do that. Maybe the difference is that her husband is, physically at least, able-bodied.

I try very hard not to let those petty jealousies color my relationships. I don't want to be protected from knowing about other folks sex lives, I don't want to dive back into that coccoon that allowed me to stay blissfully ignorant of all the wonderful experiences people are having out there. Life hurts, but it hurts because I choose it to hurt.

Perspective

2008-05-12T14:29:00.002-04:00

I just learned that one of my listeners, CA Sizemore, lost his wife.

She died unexpectedly today.

This puts a whole new perspective on my situation, doesn't it? I feel selfish and petty.

Donations from the tribe are being taken at http://casizemoregift.chipin.com

Another Small Victory

2008-05-04T12:50:00.003-04:00

We managed to follow the marriage counselor's instructions this morning and had an intimate moment. It took some engineering--medicine, coffee, a pain patch--but we managed to have an enjoyable morning in spite of everything.

After we had our breakfast and showers, we lay down beside each other and fooled around a bit, and when I started getting hard I lubed up and straddled her chest for another round of "intramammary intercourse." In the middle of it she said, "Go ahead, give it to me" and that shot me even higher.

I miss having sex with her... I miss it so much that the orgasms I have there are far more intense than when I masturbate.

After we were done I told her about a corner of the spectrum of D/s sexplay called "Orgasm Control". I told her about some of the ways people use it for sex play, and told her that I found it arousing when she told me to orgasm... and I'd like it more if we extended the play a bit.

She can be something of a prude sometimes, expressing disgust at some practices and complete disinterest in others, but this seems not to have set off any triggers for her. I hope we can explore this area a bit more in future sessions.

She seems to be getting used to the idea that she doesn't have to be feeling her best in order for us to be intimate. Today was definitely not her best day; her neck was sore and she felt a little tired, but she still managed.

Therapy

2008-04-21T06:28:00.002-04:00

We went to see the therapist, Kathy, on Saturday. She's been unable to see us for a while due to some health problems, but she's back in the saddle, and so are we.

We told her about the successful sexual encounter and we focused a lot on how to recreate the circumstances that made that possible, and making it a regular part of our relationship rather than a fluke. She gave us the task to recreate those circumstances Sunday morning, mostly consisting of:

1> I get up around 8am
2> Bring her coffee, medicine, and food around 9am
3> Let things develop in an attitude of hopefulness rather than expectation.

It didn't work. Her back was too painful, and instead of any kind of sexual activity, she had me get some lidocaine patches for her back. I'm really not disappointed, though. I'm looking forward to next weekend when we can try again.

I'm thinking that there are aspects of this that require some preparation on Dee's part, to make it more likely that she will wake up without back problems, but I'm not sure what those are.

People tell me I'm great.

2008-03-18T23:50:00.003-04:00

People tell me I'm so brave, so noble, so virtuous for staying in this marriage, for doing the 'right thing'. I really don't understand it. Often, I feel lazy for letting the status quo go on for so long.

I read this today.

Sex is fleeting. Striving for it is what causes me this pain. So... is it lazy to let go of the need for it, and let it come if it will?

I'm not brave. I'm not noble. I'm just getting by the best way I know how, like everyone else.

A window closes, a door opens

2008-03-16T14:03:00.002-04:00

I have this friend, online. She and I have had a very close relationship for years, sharing our troubles and triumphs, in even the most intimate details. We had played aroundwith text cybersex, and Second Life sex, but over the last month I hadn't been able to get online.

Last night, I logged into Second Life and she told me she was engaged, in Second Life, with someone else. "With someone I love, who loves me, and isn't afraid to say so."

She wanted more from our relationship than I was able to give. It hurt to be told so, but in the end, it was a good thing, at least for me.

This morning, I told my wife what happened. We had a long conversation about relationships, and needs. I told her how tempted I had been to get closer to this woman than would be good for our marriage. We talked about her health, and how she's been lowering her daily medication to be less drug-addled.

Then, she looked at me and said... "Take off your clothes."

I didn't argue. We put a softcore porn movie on the little portable DVD player ("Bacchanales Sexuelles") and lay back while she used her hands and mouth on me. Once I had gotten hard, I took off her shirt, and had a marvelous orgasm between her breasts. For anyone else, this would have been a minor encounter, but for us it was special.

I was so happy I almost cried. We've been talking all day about where to go from here. She wants to get back in the vaginal estrogen treatments, and she's going to try the "orgasm diet" which basically involves a low-carb diet, exercise, fish oil supplements, and dark chocolate.

At the very least, this is another shot of hope. At best, it is the first step to bringing back our sex life.

Some of my readers might be in similar situations. What can you take from this experience? Maintain hope. Don't give up. Talk to her. Tell her you love her. Tell her what you're thinking, tell her what you're feeling. Experiment. Find ways to get around the disability.

Another hopeful sign, or else another cruel twist.

2007-07-29T10:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, she mentioned that she had tried to masturbate in order to relax for sleep, having been suffering from insomnia. It had been a cure in the past. She said it didn't work, that she didn't have an orgasm. Unsaid, was the orgasm diet she's been on for about a month now.

Personally, I took it as a good sign. It means, to me, that she hasn't given up, though she found it discouraging.

I'm hoping to spend a few hours in sensuality sometime soon and see if approaching it with a mindset less likely to set her up for failure will improve things.

On the safety of solitude

2007-07-28T10:40:00.000-04:00

I realized something this week.

Balticon was our first major social outing in years and years. Most people have outings like this every few months. Disability makes them difficult for us.

Solitude is safe. Solitude means we don't come into contact with people who are having full lives. We can fold inwards and pretend we're happy the way we are.

But I'm not happy. I'm deeply, achingly envious of people who can go to conferences and conventions every month or so, without having to worry about how far from home they are, what they'll do if a migraine or arthritis or whatever should show up.

When one member of a family is disabled, the whole family is disabled. I've come to realize this.

I wonder if this isn't behind my wife's apparent reluctance to do anything to amend her life. I think she feels safer wrapped in the cocoon of her disability, rather than go out and be in the world. I'm beginning to think that this inwardness is killing her.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Disability

2007-07-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

This article in the NY Times says we all must prepare for the possibility of disability.

Short update

2007-06-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

Still on the diet. She hasn't noticed any differences, because he sciatica has been acting up. Today she's on Flexeril and an increased dosage of Topamax, but she doesn't seem to be real loopy. Still just waiting for a "good time".

Heh. Waiting for a good time for a good time.

Orgasm Diet

2007-06-20T21:00:00.000-04:00

So more talking and more trying.

We're now trying something called the "Orgasm Diet"... maybe attack this thing from another angle.

Who knows?

Anyways, it's pretty simple...

Low carb, high protien diet (check, already doing that)

No smoking, caffeine, or alcohol (mostly... cutting down the caffeine will be hard but not impossible)

Chocolate - 1 ounce daily of very dark chocolate (65% or more)

Fish oil concentrate - 2g daily of DHA... this amounts to four high-potency fish oil pills, or eight or more of the normal ones.

If there's any good result I'll let you know.

Had an idea the other night.

2007-02-12T16:29:00.000-05:00

One of the things that has been a huge brick wall in the way of our sex life has been the fact that penetration is painful for my wife. She's kind of hung up on the idea that sex has to HAVE penetration, and as a result we don't have any sex at all.

The other night I suggested intercrural sex (between the thighs) and she was favorably disposed to trying it out.

Of course, we do a lot of talking and little doing, so we'll see what happens.

You may be wondering why there are no posts...

2007-02-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

You (that is, all four of you who actually read this) may be wondering why there haven't been any posts for a while.

The reason is that things really aren't changing. There's not much to report. Stagnation is the order of the day, at least as far as my marriage is concerned. Everything I've tried has gone nowhere, and right now I'm out of ideas. We haven't even been back to the marriage therapist.

My New Year's Resolution

2007-01-01T14:55:00.000-05:00

My New Year's Resolution this year is to stop enabling my wife's bad habits that are preventing her from getting the surgery she needs.

She doesn't get enough exercise and she doesn't eat right... and those rub off on me as well. We have two or three desserts a night, and I've been the one who was making them. Not anymore. I am making ONE dessert a night, and sharing it with the kids.

We are getting a membership to the local pool and I'm taking her swimming two mornings a week.

There are too many good podcasts!

2006-12-28T13:25:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this to say, that I'm speaking from my own experience only, and not from any realistic measurement of the internet as a whole.

When I first started listening to podcasts, I listened to what I found. If there was even the remotest bit of interest, I subscribed without question.

After a while, I had to start paring down. I dropped Soccergirl, and Keith and the Girl, and some other ones that really weren't to my taste, and was mightily entertained by "the good ones".

Gradually, the quality has improved, the focus on my own interests has narrowed, and little by little my podcatcher list became filled with high-quality podcasts that gave me what I wanted out of a podcast.

Now, there are too many.

There are so many good podcasts that I don't have time to listen to them all. If I want to add a new one to my list, I have to go through the list I already have, and find one to drop.

It's a painful process. Painful enough that I don't really want to look at new ones, unless they're really promising. I wonder how many other people have reached this stage of podcast complacency.

Contract signed!

2006-12-06T06:15:00.000-05:00

Into every life a little light must fall. On monday I signed a contract with Extasy Books, an e-publisher, to publish "Our Robot" on their website.

I'm very happy at the project and inspired to write again (which had been stalled of late).

No movement on the Second Life front, but she's been feeling a lot worse lately. She used to ask to take the car one or two days a week, but she hasn't felt well enough to get out of the house in over a month.

Step one in project SL is a success

2006-11-26T03:24:00.001-05:00

Today, I downloaded the Second Life software onto her computer, and made sure it ran. I also got the beginnings of her account started, though she's now at the beginning of the tutorial section and isn't ready to join the main grid... still, progress.

Here's hoping.

Happy Birthday.

2006-11-24T11:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, was my birthday.

I've reached an age where making a big deal out of my birthday is not really welcome. We went out for turkey at Cracker Barrel, and hung out at home. No cake, no presents.

My wife and I had a short but deep conversation about sex last night. Her body just doesn't work right when it comes to sex anymore. She said she has tried masturbating, tried to get the engine running again, but all she gets is sore. No more orgasms. I was nearly in tears by the time she finished.

I asked her whether her imagination still worked... whether she had fantasies, whether she thought about sex. After all... the most important sex organ is the brain. If that works, that's enough for me. I suggested, again, writing stories for each other, or telling stories, or playing on Second Life. She didn't know what Second Life is, I'm hoping she checks it out. Chances are slim but maybe she'll think it's at least silly enough to be fun.

She didnt' say anything definitive. I wouldn't want her to promise anything, if she wasn't ready for it.

We'll see what happens.

A new sexual relationship

2006-10-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

So...

The story continues. A new light dawns. We've been going to a marriage therapist, and lots of good stuff has been coming out, and the topic of sex came up.

I mentioned that we kind of have to start over, sexually... that things have changed, and we need to start from the beginning, learning what feels good, what we want, what works for us.

So... monday morning, Columbus day, we're going to have the kids go play, and explore... just explore.

House

2006-09-05T20:32:00.000-04:00

We're watching House. It's a TV show.

House says, "So you aren't fulfilled by taking care of him... you get nothing out of it... but NOT taking care of him would make you feel worse."

She didn't say anything.

Imago Therapy

2006-09-03T12:01:00.000-04:00

We went to a marriage therapist yesterday. It was the Weekend From Hell that prompted it, but it took a while for it to sink in with her before she agreed to it.

She uses "Imago Therapy" which takes the theory that we pick partners who are like our parents in order to resolve childhood conflicts... and thereby marry the person who is best able to hurt us.

Our first session involved gathering some basic information about our families, and then we immediately started a "mirroring" exercise. One person was the speaker, the other the mirror. The mirror's job was simply to repeat what the first person said.

We started with "What I think frustrates you about me is..."

After going through as many of these as I could think of, she filled in what I had missed with "What frustrates me about you is..."

Then we switched. It was vulnerable and empowering and scary and great.

We have some homework to do before our next session, some groundwork about what we want out of the therapy and what our childhood caregivers were like.

We go back in two weeks. I am very hopeful.

I may have found the secret.

2006-08-06T00:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while.

I've been corresponding with Ann Regentin, an erotica author who writes about disabled people. I was drawn to open the conversation by an article she wrote called "Plan D: Love in the world of Chronic Illness"

I'm still emailing back and forth, and while she has had many practical suggestions, she said that she didn't have the essential piece of the puzzle. Her partners (an ex-husband and an ex-lover) had never come to terms with her disability, and she didn't know how I could do it.

She set me on the path, however, and I think I may have come to it. I'm not sure, so I'm going to let this percolate, let this set a while, and make sure that I know what I'm talking about.

Then I'll post, I promise.

I should have known

2006-07-17T00:47:00.000-04:00

I broke the promise.

I pulled out some porn and masturbated to orgasm tonight. I was a little mad at her, but not THAT mad. I'm not even sure, now, why I did it... I'm ashamed of myself.

I wish there were another adult in this family.

Heck, I wish there was ONE adult in this family.

It was a stupid promise to make in the first place. It was manipulative. I hoped that if I told her it was hers alone, that she'd value it more. Not likely.

::sigh::

I hate my life.

And the rollercoaster swings yet again...

2006-07-11T18:26:00.000-04:00

It's always when things look darkest that the best things happen.

No, my wife and I didn't have eight hours of sexual bliss, but I DID find someone on the net whose wisdom strikes very, very close to what I need right now.

Her name is Ann Regentin, and her site is over here. Specifically, what drew me is this article about how she wishes men would relate to her and her disability.

I am going to be paying a great deal of attention to this woman in the future.

My promise

2006-07-09T22:38:00.000-04:00

I talked with her a bit, tonight, about a promise I made a few days ago, that I would not have orgasms unless it was with her.

She thought it was kind of silly, impossible to fulfill given that her equipment doesn't work right.

I said that having an orgasm WITH her wasn't the same as having one IN her and she understood better.

I told her that it wouldn't be fair for her to ask it of me, but she wasn't; it's an offering I'm making to her. And she accepted it, and appreciated what it meant to me, to offer it.

My wife is a homophobe.

2006-07-09T13:59:00.000-04:00

We had a long discussion yesterday, in the car, about feminism. She said that the feminist movement (such as NOW) had been "taken over by the Lesbians" and as a result was marginalizing itself, because lesbians certainly couldn't represent HER interests.

I tried to point out all the progress that had been made since she was in college but she couldn't hear it.

I explored it a little, and it appears that she had a traumatic experience in college, where she entered her dorm room to discover her roommate and her roommate's partner in flagrante dilecto... and then was invited to join them. She ran.

Since then, any woman who displays particularly butch attributes has been a figure of scorn.

What am I supposed to do?

Okay, I'm back. One word: Fuck.

2006-07-04T20:11:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

It didn't go very well. I should have known. The worst part is, it's pretty much all my fault. I set myself up, and knocked myself down.

We arrived on saturday night full of hope and promise. The hot tub was wonderful. We fooled around a little, but we were too tired from the drive for anything, so we dried off and went in. We had a romantic dinner in our room, that I lovingly cooked for my lady wife. It was delicious. We went to bed around eleven, to be ready for the 8am wakeup for the 9am breakfast.

I was still awake at midnight.

I was still awake at 1am.

I was still awake at 2am.

I was still awake at 3am.

Some time between 3:30 and 4am, I fell asleep. I blame it on the novel I brought along - Kushiel's Avatar - I was in the very worst part of it (for those of you who read the book, when Phedre is "Death's Whore") and I'm sure it was disturbing me.

The next day, after breakfast, we retired to our room. We went back to the hot tub, fooled around a bit, and then decided to go out and do touristy stuff. We saw a local gallery, had a late lunch, and got back to the room around 4pm. Back in the hot tub. We started having sex, and I found it particularly unsatisfying... sex underwater sucks. So we dried off and went inside. I had lost my erection, and it just wouldn't come back.

Here I am... my wife is making herself available to me for the first time in however long, we have moved heaven and earth for it... and I come up impotent.

What a fucking joke.

I should have seen it coming. I had hung WAY too many hopes on this weekend.

The rest of the evening didn't go much better. We went out to dinner, came back, fooled around some more... still nothing. I couldn't get more than about a quarter of an erection, and not for more than a minute or two.

Then we started talking about it... and we both said things we really shouldn't have. I can't share what we said here... it wasn't an argument, but there were plenty of tears on both sides.

So we are left, hurting, wondering what happened, and wondering what to do next.

Fuck.

Tomorrow's the day

2006-07-01T12:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we're getting ready to leave for our honeymoon. I'm hopeful. The new treatments seem to be working, and she understands, now, that I'm not as interested in seeing touristy stuff and more interested in being with her.

I'll be back on tuesday night, or wednesday to let you know what happened.

Well, she went

2006-06-24T22:53:00.000-04:00

She went to the folk gathering. Brought the chili. Came back with empty containers. At least the effort wasn't wasted.

I'm still kind of pissed though.

This is one of those nights

2006-06-24T00:41:00.000-04:00

Midnight.

"Oh, by the way... I need you to take that hamburger out and boil it for chili. I promised the folk festival that I'd make chili."

"The hamburger is gone. We got three meals out of it this week."

"Oh... then I need you to go to the store."

Fine. So I go to the store. I buy hamburger, and chili powder, and a few other ingredients that she neglected to mention the other two times I went to the store today.

I boil the beef, and start putting the ingredients in the crock pot to cook overnight. She keeps calling over with completely INSANE instructions. Like putting a whole container of chili powder in, and NOT using the beef I just boiled. So I finally just ignore her and put the damn chili together.

And now? "Maybe I shouldn't go."

"You damn well ARE going, after all this!"

Fuck, I hate this disease.

Went to see the shrink today

2006-06-17T22:50:00.000-04:00

So we went to see the shrink today. I brought up the crazy IM conversation, and she apologized, but I still don't understand what is going through her head.

She does seem to be committed to getting sexual again, and has started taking an estradiol (estrogen-related hormone) vaginally in order to get ready for the honeymoon weekend.

IM conversation

2006-06-16T00:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, so here's a conversation we had over IM today, while I was at work.
*HER*: http://www.webmd.com/content/article/123/115181?src=RSS_PUBLIC
Be sure to read the second page
me: Well shit
I've been trying to tell you that for years
*HER*: I keep telling you, if the actual act wasn't p ainful I'd be after you a lot more
me: What actual act?
Orgasm?
*HER*: that's the appointment tomorrow, btw.
no, intercourse. It's been very painful for several years.
me: I'm not that kind of guy, babe
12:53 PM I don't have to stick it in to have sex
*HER*: I know, but I feel bad... and then I get feeling worse, and there goes the libido.
me: Okay
*HER*: I'm working on it, okay?
me: So what you're saying is that you think I'd rather have no sex at all, than be told I can't have intercourse with you, after doing other stuff?
12:54 PM *HER*: This IS NOT rational.
My apologies.
me: No, it's not.
12:55 PM *HER*: this is MY reaction, not yours, and it doesn't have anything to do with my feelings for you. It's my feelings about myself.
me: That may be but it sure as hell has an impact on me
12:56 PM All this time I thought it was because you just weren't interested because of the drugs and the pain.
*HER*: I also feel in such pain a lot of the time that even if it didn't hurt I wasn't interested, so that's true
12:57 PM me: So wait
*HER*: Both things are true
me: "I keep telling you, if the actual act wasn't painful I'd be after you a lot more " <<< style="font-style: italic;">(note: The psychiatrist)
*HER*: Maybe
1:07 PM depends on the kids, really.
1:09 PM We have a lot of work to do with them, and it's important, too
5 minutes
1:15 PM *HER*: Maybe more important day to day.
me: Whether or not you're having a migraine has a big impact on the kids welfare.
1:16 PM *HER*: It does
me: Whether or not we're having sex has an impact on whether you're migraining
*HER*: possibly
me: possibly
It's at least worth looking into
If I've got a migraine cure behind my teeth I think you'd want to know about it
*HER*: That's what the appointment is for tomorrow.
::nod::
1:17 PM There's stuff that acts as lubricant and possibly estrogen cream to make things easier, less painful
but she'll want to check the plumbing
1:18 PM me: And that's the doctor you're seeing tomorrow?
*HER*: Sure, She does pelvic exams
me: ::running around screaming and banging into walls::
I thought you were going to the neurologist about migraines
1:19 PM *HER*: I did that YESTERDAY, partially
me: I thought that was the EMG
*HER*: but painful sex is common in fibromyalgia.
The doctor was there, so I asked her.
me: Painful /intercourse/
1:20 PM *HER*: Okay, painful intercourse. Sorry
me: Equating those two is one of the things that's hurting us
*HER*: ::nod:: sorry
*ME*, I'm juggling as much as I can
1:21 PM me: I'm sorry.
I'm getting all worked up over this
*HER*: I have to get out of pain, I have to get unfogged, I have to be able to walk, I have to keep house, I have to get back to work...
1:22 PM notice that all of these things are not getting doen.
done
me: They're certainly not all going to get done at the same time

GRAAAAH! What the fuck!? Is this crazy or what???

Percocet, marvelous percocet

2006-06-14T07:12:00.000-04:00

Peace in the valley, at last. She's much easier to live with when she's not in agony.

I'm not happy per se, that she's drugged up, but there you go. She has promised to ration her meds better in the future.

Her GP has put her on B12 supplements and thyroid medication; given that B12 and thyroid insufficiencies can cause fatigue, depression, etc. I'm all for both treatments.

We're on track, as far as I can see, to be significantly improved by July.

So... here's hoping.

Pain meds

2006-06-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, she's on her way to the pharmacy to get a new set of pain meds.

Fucker put her through a fifteen minute tirade first.

Welcome to the rollercoaster

2006-06-10T08:19:00.000-04:00

She's sleeping on the recliner again.

Appointment with the fucking pain specialist on monday.

Pray for us.

Pain Meds, Part Two

2006-06-05T18:39:00.000-04:00

My initial reactions were in error.

The pain has gotten steadily worse, to the point now that she cannot get out of her recliner without a cane, and then can hardly move.

The doctor refuses to talk to her on the phone, return her phone calls or emails. He is not recommending that she come in for a consultation. The only questions he will answer are "No, I won't prescribe more medication today" and "No, I'm not firing you as a patient."

The doctor has not said if or when he will prescribe medication again, he has not said what she is to do about her increasing pain or her increasing disability as a result of it. He's being a complete and total shit. If he has some reason for denying her medication, he has the responsibility, no, the DUTY to tell her what's going on.

She's becoming increasingly irritable, depressed, and desperate. We are on track to completely derail our honeymoon plans. If this is still going on next month, I am going to cancel our reservations; there's no point if she can't climb the stairs to the room.

This is, of course, making me more depressed, anxious, and upset, and the kids are likewise getting into the act. I'm trying to maintain a calm demeanor but it's becoming harder and harder.

I'm back in hell.

Pain Meds

2006-05-29T18:55:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, she ran out of pain meds. She's been burning through them faster than they were prescribed. She asked the doctor for more, and she was denied.

So she's been going without.

The first few days were pretty bad, but things have been getting better. She's been getting by with various non-narcotic means, tiger balm, TENS, and good old NSAIDs.

This morning, she said, "Hey, you know, I think my pain is going away."

You know, you can't TELL her that maybe she's taking too much medicine. She immediately launches into a tirade about how much pain she's in... but here we are.

I hope this is a transformative moment.

Still here.

2006-05-21T22:16:00.000-04:00

Okay, so... another celibate weekend in the Nobilis house. No news there, right? She threw out her back on friday doing something she didn't need to do, and that was that.

I hate that I'm sometimes suspicious that she's avoiding me, sexually.

In other news, our preparations for the second honeymoon over the July 4 weekend have been continuing, and the B&B we're going to has a private hot tub for us to enjoy. I'm looking forward to it. It's about three hours away, but we're getting someone really good in to watch the kids, so we're not worried.

We really REALLY need this.

"Maybe tomorrow."

2006-05-13T08:42:00.000-04:00

I thought we had agreed to make saturday mornings our time together, but evidently not. She's using the excuse that we have a doctor's appointment at eleven to put me off. I don't think that's the real reason, but how does one argue with "no"?

Wow, busy week

2006-05-10T19:43:00.000-04:00

This is incredible. Completely out of the blue, Ellie Lumpesse (see the link in the title) posted Bedroom Radio #10. With one of my stories in it, one I wrote for her.

Booyah.

It just barely makes up for the fact that the wife was having trouble feeding herself tonight... she says it's the drugs, but the drugs never did this to her before.

Ain't that always the way it is?

More good news

2006-05-07T20:36:00.000-04:00

My, my, good news and bad news just seems to keep coming.

This one is more good news.

Last month, I entered a story contest. It was over at the "Breast Expansion Story Club" (stories of body transformation have always been a personal favorite of mine) and my submission came in second!

Here's the capsule review the judges posted (at http://femaletransformation.blogspot.com/ ) in response to my story:

"2. Nobilis - The Nefarious Plot Of Professor Bolster
Stories told from a female perspective aren’t that uncommon… ones that do it well are quite infrequent but both of those AND adds in a rather unusual early 20th century setting and you’ve already got an interesting mix. The story sits together very well and progresses in a realistic manner, not just that but its got more than enough BE. A unique and memorable story to be sure."

I'm thrilled... in the truest sense of the word.

Aaaaaaahh,,,,

2006-05-06T11:37:00.000-04:00

The kids didn't wake us up this morning... we just kind of woke up. Well rested, I asked if she wanted some coffee. She said it would be wonderful.

I went down, made some coffee, warmed up one of her favorite scones in the microwave, got some cookies and some crackers and some cheese. We sat and ate breakfast and listened to "Car Talk". When we had finished eating, I asked her how she was doing, and with the caffeine and food and all, she said she was alright. I asked her for a handjob, and she said yes.

I lay back with a towel over my belly and she got some lube (yeah, we still keep it around) and she started up. It was good... very good. I was right on the brink for ... well, it seemed like forever, but it must have been about ten minutes. Finally, she got frustrated with the lack of "results" (I was perfectly happy the way things were going) and she lubed herself up and started to sit astride. That position's really bad for her knees, though, so I told her to get on her hands and knees, we started fucking doggie-style. Because my legs are rather long, I usually put one knee down, and one up and to the side with my foot on the bed.

It wasn't the best sex I've ever had... but after... how long? End of november. I just checked the list. After that long, I'm certainly not going to complain. It was wonderful, and close, and I couldn't have spent my morning better.

After she had cleaned up and I had had a shower, I offered to reciprocate, because she hadn't had an orgasm, but she demurred, and maybe I'll do that for her tomorrow.

So... better.

We talked about making it a regular saturday morning thing. She was okay with that.

Of course. Every hint of hope must be snuffed out.

2006-05-02T14:13:00.000-04:00

This morning, while she was driving me to work, her speech started getting slurred and she started having trouble driving. I was terrified. I tried to get her to pull over, but she refused, said she was fine... while weaving back and forth.

I finally got her to stop, turned around, and took her to the ER. They did a CAT scan.

It turns out that she has minor diffuse brain damage, probably due to diabetes.

More doctor visits. More specialists.

What did she do to deserve this?

Hope springs again

2006-05-01T18:24:00.000-04:00

Last night was very hopeful. She came to bed in just her panties, rather than the sweats or flannel nightgown that she ordinarily wears, and while she fell asleep before the spark could ignite, there definitely was a spark there.

So now... we're planning a second honeymoon over the July 4 weekend.

Burn a candle for me, folks.

Another concert tonight.

2006-04-26T18:49:00.000-04:00

She's out at another concert tonight. I'm glad she's out having fun, and I hope she comes back in a good mood.

Concert tonight

2006-04-24T23:13:00.000-04:00

She went to a concert tonight.

Is it even worth trying? She feels better after concerts, but she's in more pain these days than ever before.

Nevertheless, I must try.

Once more into the breach, dear freinds, once more...

It just keeps getting better.

2006-04-23T19:29:00.000-04:00

She accidentally took her morning medication this afternoon, and now she's at the hospital ER. She was slurring her words, dizzy and drowsy.

I'm beginning to think that I can't trust her to handle her own affairs anymore.

So much for that, Two

2006-04-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

I sat at the foot of the recliner, and massaged her feet. She wouldn't leave the damn recliner.

I'm going to take that thing out and burn it one of these days.

Taking a battering ram to the walls

2006-04-21T18:24:00.000-04:00

Last night she said she felt "shut off," as if it's my fault she retreats to the recliner every night.

Well, fuck that.

Tonight, I'm dragging her out of the recliner, and onto the couch where we can touch each other.

Remember "In the Shadow of Pain"?

2006-04-20T18:47:00.000-04:00

... well I didn't.

I listened to "Whispered Pearls" (one of the erotic podcasts I listen to) today and they played it, and it got me thinking...

What is it that I *really* want?

So...

I'm thinking.

A change is coming.

2006-04-20T00:04:00.000-04:00

I find my thoughts drawn to the idea that my relationship with my wife has to change. We can't keep going on as we have been.

I am losing hope that she will ever be any healthier than she is now, that we will ever have sex again.

So I have a choice.

One, a life of celibate devotion.
Two, secret affairs, probably via the internet, with an eventual discovery on her part and all the pain and betrayal that entails.
Three, somehow convince her that pursuing discreet, online sexual encounters outside of our marriage doesn't mean I don't love her and doesn't mean I'm going to leave her.
Four, end the relationship.

Options two and four are unacceptable. I refuse.

Option one is where I am now, and is becoming harder and harder to bear.

I can't figure out how to broach option three without causing her even more pain, perhaps more than SHE can bear.

I'm trapped in a cage with three doors, all of which are booby-trapped.

Results of the trip

2006-04-19T23:36:00.000-04:00

Good things:
We saw my wife's cousin's baby, which always makes her feel better.
We saw my mother in law, so she won't nag for a few months about visiting.

Bad things:
She pushed herself way too hard, and fell down twice, on one occasion breaking two toes and possibly a bone in her foot, and thus, yet MORE pain.

On the whole, I think we would have been better off staying home.

Apprehensive

2006-04-12T18:29:00.000-04:00

We're going on a trip to the MIL's house tonight. The train will take us overnight to get there.

Here's a little hope

2006-04-09T20:49:00.000-04:00

She's making noise about getting a membership at the pool without me prodding her.

This, in our world, is progress.

In the Shadow of Pain

2006-04-09T00:57:00.000-04:00

I kneel outside the gates.
How long have I waited?

The snow has covered my boots.
It drifts about me like a shroud.
I feel icy needles in my fingers,
Clasped to my chest.
The gates will not open.

Sometimes, sometimes, I see
A ray of light from the tallest tower.
A person, a woman
In silhouette
She is there, waiting for me
The gates will not open.

An evil demon has taken the fortress.
Its name is Pain
And as much as I suffer without,
My love suffers worse within.
The gates will not open.

She screams, sometimes, from the windows.
She calls out my name
And bids me go, abandon my vigil
Or shouts imprecations
That somehow
I had summoned the demon
Pain
That binds her
Or bids me enter, and bathe her wounds.
The gates will not open.

I have been here so long,
I live here now.
This is my home.
In the shadow of Pain.
There are other places I could go.
But I would rather be here
And suffer
Than go somewhere else
And be numb.

This poem is about how I feel right now, tonight. It's not supposed to be about reality or relationships or anything else than just that... how I feel, right now.

I swear, it's like living with a fourteen year old.

2006-04-08T17:26:00.000-04:00

"I don't think name-calling is appropriate."

I had to say that to her today, with regard to disciplining the recalcitrant daughter. What kind of fucked-up marital relationship includes things like that? Faugh.

Another brick in the wall

2006-04-07T13:54:00.000-04:00

Add another condition to the litany of pain.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

She worked in a mental institution for many years, and saw lots of really nasty shit.

On the way home, she told me the worst of it. I'm still on the edge of tears. I knew she was in pain, but ...

I don't know how she stands it.

No change, no change, no change.

2006-04-03T21:22:00.000-04:00

I wonder if I should even bother posting here anymore. Nothing's changing, it's the same old same old every fucking day.

So much for that.

2006-03-31T22:36:00.000-05:00

Feeling discouraged tonight. She turned down a backrub. Can't sit still, she says, but she's sitting still in that damn recliner.

::sigh::

Fuck.

2006-03-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

Or rather, a total lack thereof.

She came home tense from the drive, took two painkillers, watched TV until they took effect, and then crashed into bed.

Frozen over again lately.

2006-03-27T19:15:00.000-05:00

It's probably mostly my fault. I haven't been making myself available for intimacy, really, lately. I've been hanging out online and not with her.

Then again, it's really hard to reach out, when I get no response.

So tonight, she's going to a concert. She really really really likes concerts. They always make her feel good.

So when she comes home, I'm going to put away everything else, and bring her into the bedroom. The kitchen countertops (which she asked me to clean) will be clean, and I will have prepared as much as possible.

Cross your fingers for me.

Woohoo!

2006-03-15T23:42:00.000-05:00

The "He Said, She Said" podcast folks have decided to give me five minutes and their voices to perform a weekly audio drama.

I've written the first episode of "It's My Floor" for them, and they put it in show number 41. Too cool! It's an incredible charge to hear my words performed.

Not a lot of news

2006-03-08T20:07:00.000-05:00

For the half-dozen of you that read this blog, I'll just put this placeholder in, to say that yes, I'm still here, and no, not much has changed.

Well Spouse Association

2006-02-20T22:17:00.000-05:00

I went to my first Well Spouse meeting. I left a little early from work (spending ten hours at the office instead of eleven+) and met some wonderful folks at a library about 45 minutes from home. I got to meet some wonderful people who really understand. I can't describe how wonderful that was. We traded stories and they nodded their heads a lot when I talked about some of the things that had happened.

Then, of course, I got home, after spending more than twelve hours out of the house. I didn't get read the riot act... no, I could deal with it if she were mad at me for leaving. "I just want to tell you that I felt kind of abandoned today. I'm not blaming you, I'm just telling you how I feel. I know that it was important for you to get out of the house."

Our son, it seems, had thrown a major fit, knowing that his mother wouldn't be able to discipline him. He threw things at her and there was a tussle.

From what I hear, she didn't handle the situation well, and the whole mess was as much her fault as his, but really, how can I say that?

Goodbye, Roxicet

2006-02-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

She's getting off the roxicet. For those of you who aren't in the pharmaceutical know, roxicet is an opiate painkiller. So that's good news, right?

Yes, in the long term. It's a milestone we've been working towards steadily.

In the short term, we're dealing with withdrawal. Which is an absolute bitch.

And starting tomorrow, I'm going to be working eleven hour days.

This is not going to be fun.

That damned recliner

2006-02-16T06:23:00.000-05:00

She slept on the recliner again last night. The injections she had in her spine yesterday were just too painful, and she had taken too much medication to be steady going up the stairs. I wasn't happy with the situation, but I know that it's temporary.

A new procedure

2006-02-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

She went to her spine specialist today to get steroids injected into the joint capsules of her lower spine.

This is a new procedure, and we're hoping that it will provide an opportunity for much needed healing.

My valentine's day gift to my love

2006-02-14T21:49:00.000-05:00

I wrote and recorded a sonnet for my wife, for Valentine's day. I also submitted it to the Valentine's day edition (episode #37) of the "He Said, She Said" podcast (you can get it at the link in the title) and they included it right at the end, just before the closing music.

Thanks, John and Jodie.

She listened to it just a little while ago, and told me through her tears how much she liked it. I don't think I've ever been able to touch anyone so deeply with a present before.

Oh, my GOD, an INCREDIBLE breakthrough.

2006-02-14T18:36:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the Whispered Pearls podcast last night (link in the title) and in passing Michelle mentioned that she would never spend five minutes staring into the eyes of a total stranger... it was far too intimate an experience.

And my jaw hit the desk.

Of course.

We don't have to move. She can take whatever position is comfortable. And since it's not anything we have done in the past (at least, not since we were newlyweds) it's not in a path that would lead to anything more. (she doesn't want to 'make out' because she's worried I'd get worked up and then she'd feel guilty for not going further) It's perfect.

So we did it.

Last night, lying in bed, she and I just lay there and stared into each others eyes. There was a little talk, and a few smiles, but she didn't start giggling (like she thought she would) and I didn't get bored (like I feared I might) and it was a beautiful, intimate connection.

Just what I've been missing.

Michelle... you may not have known it, but you have given me the best Valentine's Day gift I have ever gotten.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Those little twinges

2006-02-08T19:27:00.000-05:00

Ellie Lumpesse (link in the title) mentioned in her blog today that J (one of her lovers) is having trouble with penile chafing... due to having lots of sex.

::sigh::

Why do I torture myself like this?

MRI comes back: Ruptured disks

2006-02-06T18:52:00.000-05:00

Well, the MRI came back... she has two ruptured disks in her neck. The problem isn't her back and never has been.

We're going to use traction for short-term relief and chiropractic for long-term correction. Hopefully this will result in some healing.

Two steps backwards, two steps forward

2006-01-29T14:21:00.000-05:00

The new drug regime is in place, she has her knee braces, and she's getting those 'trigger point injections'. We're back to where we were before the last crisis. We're sleeping in bed again, she's lucid until about eight, and things are back to "normal". Normal for us, anyways.

Do I feel any relief? Not a lot. It doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment to get back to a place I was in for years. I want progress, dammit!

Lost ground made up

2006-01-22T10:24:00.000-05:00

We slept together in our bed last night. It was very nice. In the morning, I tried to be tender and loving with her as much as I could, giving her little nuzzles and kisses as we had our morning showers and all. She wasn't in a mood to go further, however, as she is very inhibited when the kids are awake.

All in all, a good night, and a good morning. I'm hoping we can sleep in our bed tonight, too.

Pain specialist

2006-01-21T19:24:00.001-05:00

She went to a pain specialist yesterday. They're going to try "trigger point therapy" where they put injections straight into the muscle knots.

Another tablespoon of hope in the bucket of despair.

Tears of relief

2006-01-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

For the past ... I don't know, a long time... I have felt incredibly alone. I have friends on the internet, of course, and people I talk to on the phone, and people at work... but noone I can really confide in face to face.

Dee found a website today. The link's in the title. It's the "Well Spouse Association".

They have a support group about twenty miles from my home, that meets monthly. I've been in contact with their local contact and if I can get there I'm going to meet them on the fourth. I am nearly in tears, I am so relieved that these people are out there...

Tired of sleeping on the recliner

2006-01-14T19:11:00.000-05:00

She's tired of sleeping on the recliner, she wants to get back to our bed... which is fine with me.

It'll take some work to get the room ready for her, but I'm willing to do it. We're going to switch sides on the bed, so that she can have the side nearest the bedroom. We might even change the furniture around.

New conclusions, new directions.

2006-01-14T00:39:00.000-05:00

The 75mcg Fentanyl patch was too much. It was making her dizzy. The dizziness caused nausea, and also caused the two bad falls she suffered. The falls were what tore up her knee ligaments.

The nausea made her dehydrated. She's been suffering with it for two weeks now.

We only just got it figured out, and got her Fentanyl dosage lowered back to 50mcg.

Hopefully we're through this rough patch.

Sleeping on the couch

2006-01-12T07:20:00.000-05:00

Is this irony?

Sleeping on the couch is a cliche for a marriage in trouble. The couple is sitting in bed, talking about something... money, sex, what have you... and something finally breaks. Someone has had it, and he or she either grabs a pillow and blanket and goes down to sleep on the couch, or else exiles the other to do the same.

The first night that she slept in the recliner, I felt terribly alone. The second night was worse. I knew I couldn't take any more. So I started sleeping on the couch. It's not as good as sleeping snuggled up against her back, one arm wrapped around her, like hours-long hug, but at least I'm in the same room with her.

That's about the extent of our intimacy. "At least I'm in the same room with her."

This has to change. It's just getting worse. It has to change now. Illness be damned. I'm not standing up for this.

Orthopedist

2006-01-10T20:29:00.000-05:00

She went to the orthopedist today. He looked at the MRI films and decided that surgery wasn't warranted. He prescribed knee braces and physical therapy... a good thing, in our opinion.

She found a supplier of knee braces that can be worn underwater. Since this is the only place she can get exercise, this is a good thing.

She's still in a buttload of pain, though.

Fibromyalgia

2006-01-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

She found a book today that links fibromyalgia to salicylates.

If it's true, it's quite a nasty trick for nature to play. Aspirin is a salicylate, as is the mint family. So both of them are out, to see if they help with the pain. There's a bunch of other advice in the book that may prove useful.

For now, of course, the focus is on the injury in her knees.

I was able to get out of the house and meet with some friends today for a few hours. It felt good to get out, and forget my troubles for a while, but when I came back I felt guilty for abandoning her.

She's sleeping in the recliner every night now, because the stairs are too much for her to manage. I think I'm going to sleep on the couch. At least I can be near her.

Because fat people don't injure themselves, clearly

2006-01-05T18:51:00.000-05:00

She needs some knee braces. We went to every place that carries them in town, and even though the manufacturer makes them up to size "XXXL" the biggest any of the stores had was XL.

Because clearly, fat people don't injure themselves playing sports.

Fuckers.

Gah! Not giving up. Not giving up.

2006-01-05T00:17:00.000-05:00

I moved her computer (a mini mac) over to the table next to the recliner. If she's going to be stuck there 16 hours a day at least she's going to be able to do something and not just let the TV wash over her.

Also (finally) got my Christmas present from Pixie, a book titled "Kushiel's Dart" by Jacqueline Carey. It's not what I'd ordinarily read but I'm going to give it a shot anyways.

Injury

2006-01-04T21:32:00.000-05:00

I had to work late at the office today (big deadline tomorrow) so she had to cook dinner for the kids. She slipped in the kitchen, and wrenched her knee. Now there are bruises coming up between the muscles, a sure sign that she's ripped something inside it.

Xrays, MRI's, maybe a CT scan, more drugs, maybe even surgery.

It never ends.

It never. fucking. ends.

Pseudoaddiction

2006-01-03T20:54:00.000-05:00

(Click the title for a good link about this nasty little syndrome)

Based on what she's told me about her relationship with the doctor that prescribes her pain meds, my wife is pretty deep into this syndrome.

In brief, pseudoaddiction is the set of symptoms that come about when a chronic pain patient fails to get enough medication. A pseudoaddict is constantly seeking more medication, often dramatizing pain symptoms to the doctor in order to try to get them to prescribe stronger drugs. The problem is that the doctor is looking for addiction symptoms, which look pretty much the same, and instead of raising the dose, LOWER it... thus making the pseudoaddiction worse.

It's a disease caused by doctors who don't trust their patients.

Needless to say, she's finding a new pain specialist.

Exercise is an anti-depressant

2006-01-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

I look back on the last post and wonder how I could have been so negative, but then I just finished my workout about an hour ago, so I'm all endorphin-y.

I'm not really losing weight with this workout, but then that's not what it's for. I don't really have that much fat on my body, maybe ten or fifteen pounds extra. What I want to do is get stronger, fitter, and look better. I have to look at this body, it might as well be something I don't cringe at when I look in the mirror.

I haven't been doing this for long... eight weeks, I think? I have already noticed all kinds of great effects on my body.

I laugh more readily. I also cry more readily, but I think that's a good thing most of the time.

My stomach muscles hold my gut in "naturally" all day... I don't have to "suck it in".

I tried jogging to the grocery store the other day. I made it the whole way (about 300 yards) without getting winded... six months ago I wouldn't have been able to manage 50 yards.

Now I won't say that I'm "fit" yet... I have a long way to go. But the benefits I have found from just a few weeks of exercise have been dramatic.

Why didn't anyone tell me that the changes would come so quickly?

There goes this weekend

2005-12-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

She's asleep now, sleeping off a migraine brought on by an unexpected dose of MSG. She'll probably be miserable tomorrow, too.

Hoping for change is just a fool's game. Why did I even bother with this? I should just give up trying, give up hoping, and just accept that I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my fucking life.

Just a short update

2005-12-29T18:04:00.000-05:00

Not a whole lot to report. My wife's health continues to be poor. Lately, it's her knees; she tore the "anterior cruciate ligament" years ago, and they've never been right since. She took a spill a few days ago, and she's been off her feet 23 hours a day ever since.

I'm thinking of pulling her recliner out into the middle of the room, and making (very careful, gentle) love to her right there, where she's most comfortable.

Deliciously Naughty in my headphones

2005-12-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

By now, of course, my loyal readers (all three of you) will know about Ellie Lumpesse's "Bedroom Radio." Add another sexy voice with an erotic podcast to my list.

Kristen of "Deliciously Naughty" has a lovely voice and knows how to produce good audio quality. I've listened to her three podcasts so far (haven't yet started the Victorian erotica multi-chapter story) and I'm thrilled with them.

Which leads me to the topic of sex, and headphones, and wires.

I almost always have a pair of headphones on when I masturbate, with "Bedroom Radio", or any of a number of other erotic audio files running. The wife and I have talked about having her record something for me, but so far we haven't actually done it.

Pixie (see the Pixie at Play link to the right) uses headphones regularly in her bondage-play.

My wife uses a TENS unit for pain relief on a regular basis, and of course being the internet sexhound I am, I investigated the erotic potential (so to speak) of the device and found an interesting twist... put one electrode on me and another on her, and then "complete the circuit" with some conductive, water-based lube.

So. Electro-stim, audio feedback, turn on the current...

Of course that's just a fantasy for the time being, but maybe someday I'll get to try it out.

Too funny not to share

2005-12-22T17:49:00.000-05:00

Click the title link.

What do YOU taste like?

A small update

2005-12-21T16:44:00.000-05:00

She had a "Hylogen" (sp?) treatment today. It's basically a lube job for her knees. It hurts now, but helps for a good six months in the future.

More painkillers, more muscle relaxants.

To Hoot or not to Hoot?

2005-12-20T20:25:00.000-05:00

Today was the office holiday party. We had lunch at a fancy buffet, which was fine, but I wasn't feeling well and begged off the follow-up, which was an expedition to Hooters.

Considering the situation, I'm probably well off for not having gone.

Why do I torture myself?

2005-12-19T19:31:00.000-05:00

Why do I do it? Why do I constantly go read sites like the Pixie at Play blog, or the Summer Camp novels, or the Whispered Pearls podcast, or anything else that keeps reminding me that other folks out there have healthy, happy, ACTIVE sex lives? Why don't I just turn into a prude and pretend that anyone who's having more fun than I am is sick? I'd probably be a lot happier.

::sigh::

Maybe it's because I want to maintain hope. Maybe I want to experience it vicariously.

Maybe I'm wallowing.

Another "solution" to the problem...

2005-12-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

Dutch fellow who reads Regina Lynn's "Sex Drive" mailing list is in a similar situation to mine, but instead his wife is suffering from the effects of a childhood sexual trauma.

He wrote:

Ok I read through all your people's responses, I discussed it with
my wife (she really didn't like some responses) and stewed over it
for a while.

Lemme make several observations that will no doubt complicate the
whole issue...

1. Several years I stimulated my wife, (a) in order to complement
*her* income and (b) assert *her* sexuality and (c) get her to not
be affraid of men to start dabbling in BDSM. She is now one of the
first and foremost Dominatrices in the area. While her
(occasional/few) clients realize they won't get an inch of sexuality
or eroticism from her she gives extremely brutal dominance, she gets
paid, she learns a lot about men and the human body and bloody hell -
since she start doing this she sure knows how to beat the living
daylights out of any man who annoy her. Incidentially, yesterday,
and I am not exaggerating, she broke someone's knee, ripped his face
with her nails so it is very likely he be needing stitches, all
after grabbing his nuts and applying maximum pressure. In the tram
over here the guy was standing behind her and was softly riding her
ass. She warned him once.

This is heartwarming to me, brings a smile to my face. I would have
loved to see the guy at a police station, his face literally
bleeding, trying to explain what happened. Or the same to his wife,
if he had any.

2. My wife is not just some wife. She is not sitting at home doing
the potatoes. She is goth-punk, mean as hell, trained as ballet
dancer at the royal conservatory. The fact that her brother had his
dick in her from her age 6 to age 13, plus she was raped 3 days at
gunpoint at age 16, caused her -understandably- to abandon sex. Oh
when I first met her we did it. Our favorite was anal sex. She
fucked me and I fucked her so we had few inhibitions, rather far-out
fantasies and desires. Suffice to say we are not just average
people. Most dictums about marriage, everlasting crap, cultural
norms et al do not apply to us.

3. Up till this point I haven't had sex in almost two years. In the
time I am married I have not had sex with another woman. I gave a
friend a blowjob once but she has NO problem with that particular
choice (she is a fag hag). Whereas a blowjob is nice play with a
nice and clean guy, it doesn't get me off. Homosexual interaction is
something else, something additive, but it does not arouse me
emotionally or sexually up to the level it sates my innermost
desires. As such my wife, so far, can consider me chaste, loyal and
observant of whatever matrimonial vows.

I need to add that at the time we married, we were accompanied by
two guys (HER wedding gift from her friends) in semi-drag dressed as
Marilyn Manson and Twiggy (for those who know them...). Imagine a
quiet suburb, across a church built in the 1200s we being pummeled
with garlic on a monemental graveyard older than the united states.

4. After 2 years of living with her I knew something wasn't wrong.
It took another few years before she conquered her dissociative
disorder before she could tell me about what her brother did.
However by 1998 I was stumbling in my life and feelings and was
falling into severe depression. The fact that I had a really sexy
woman with me all day that didn't show a pinch of sexual desire was
a really big part in this. I desintegrated steadily into a worse
state, moving to effexor by 2001.

Incidentally, ALL my therapists (4 of them) actively suggested I
leave her.

However late 2003 I quit all the meds. THAT was a nightmare,
quitting effexor. This year I started bodybuilding again (with my
wife) and well, that woke me up. My desire has flooded back
explosively. Suffice to say by now I think antidepressants did
NOTHING for me. Ruined my life for several years.

Ok, now, after several years or steadily diminishing sexuality,
spectacularly increased (but steadily more unfulfilling
masturbation) I have had enough. I have had enough for a frew years
now, but after stumbling into several fantasies of mine (including
one about being a female prostitute) in the online game of Second
Life, I felt such an invigorating revivance of my sexuality I knew
what I wanted for damn sure.

Now I understand this is one complex picture. But it isn't the
entire picture. I love my wife. I don't want to leave her. I am
closer to her than any relationship I know off, and I know that for
sure. All our friends say this is poetry, apart from the scars that
make things difficult between us. We are almost telepathic.

But a human soul can only take so much. She knows the day is coming
closer that I come home and my face will tell the tale immediately.
I will have fucked another woman that day. She knows this will
happen. I am not really looking for it to actively, besides, I am
really picky when it comes to women, so It can be a few months
before it happens. But eventually it will happen.

And then comes the risk. Will it be a girl or woman who makes me
cum, say, once a month and I have some level of simple animal fun
with? OR will it be a crushing love affair, with HER making demands,
ME feeling love and attachment and all that imminent trouble? I
honestly don't know. I can't imagine anyone wants a relationship
with someone like me (a real honest weirdo) whereas I can imagine
some woman wants me for a fuck once or twice a month.

But it can go horribly wrong. Not likely. But it can.

Problem is, my wife is lovestruck with me. Every day. She loves me,
I love her. She needs me, in many ways. I cannot leave her, even if
I wanted to. I cannot imagine it any other way. And I don't even
wanna start about monetary considerations. If either us leaves the
other it would mean one living as homeless person. Such is our socio-
economic situation. And me OR her having to live as a homeless
person would be DEADLY because of either (mine and hers) health
situation. So basicly if one of us would leave, run off, it would be
deadly almost certainly. So for me to just go and have a divorce,
leave (etc) is no solution.

After all this story people will consider it kinda weird she is
incapable of sexual desires for me, but she has none. I am
absolutely certain by now I lost mine. Sex is not a part of the
story any more. And we are far, far beyond the point of sillyness
like therapy. NO therapy.

Oh will she freak out when that day I tell her? Ys hon, it happened?
Part of her might become so crazy she kills someone. She is that way.

NO easy solutions anywhere in sight. Now I don't agree with Marcus's solution to the "problem", that is, to seek a sexual partner outside of his marriage, but I agree that there is no easy solution.

For one thing, we haven't given up on medical treatment for her condition, and I haven't given up on a sex life with my wife. Also, if my wife ever had the slightest reason to think I was seeking sexual gratification elsewhere, well... it wouldn't be pretty.

I take what I can get.

2005-12-17T10:13:00.000-05:00

She has a migraine this morning. It's to be expected; she always gets a migraine after a fall.

She asked me to rub her temples. I knelt by her recliner and massaged her temples, and jaw muscles, and stroked her cheek and her head. I am feeling almost more emotion than I can contain, because it's the most touch we have been allowed in days. I can't show it now, though, because the kids are around, and they wouldn't understand.

Yet another setback

2005-12-16T19:06:00.000-05:00

::sigh::

My wife had some trouble getting our daughter out of the car today (she was being a total bitsch by all accounts) and threw her back out. So this saturday is a wash, too... the chances of her being in any mood for anything tomorrow are very slim.

I wanted to talk about how it's not appropriate for her to be trying to armtwist an eleven year old girl, but given her mood I think I did the right thing to skip it. I'd rather be happy than right.

I've decided to stop reading Summer Camp long enough to finish Our Robot. I'm at chapter 27 of book 3, so I don't feel in any rush to get it done before he starts book 4. The book's an incredible emotional rollercoaster. I can't read much of it at a time anyways. A little rest will be good for me.