News

There's all kinds of other bullshit going on in my life, but Dee told me she wants to sleep in our bed again, so I'm feeling pretty good. I cleared the junk, washed and changed the sheets, and it's bedtime.

This Blog May Disappear Without Warning.

I don't have any adult ads on this blog, but I might delete it if I get fed up enough with Google's policy on adult ads. Just letting you know. (This would be more meaningful, I think, if I had anything further to say on this topic.) If I do delete it, I might move the posts over to another server. Maybe.

Lyrica

Lyrica is a drug, used to treat "neuropathic" (i.e. 'sick nerves') pain. Dee started taking it a few days ago. This past weekend she asked me to change the sheets on our bed, and last night she slept there for the first time in many months; she had been on the recliner in the living room before that. I haven't talked to her yet this morning (I left for work before she woke up) but I hope that she doesn't wake up in terrible pain for having slept there. Because it wasn't until she came back to the bed that I realized how much I missed her presence there.

Nothing to Say

Things haven't changed much. Counseling is over (costs too much) and communication has slowed to a crawl.

I started this blog with a hope that my experiences would help other people in similar circumstances, but I can't see how month after month of same-old-same-old will help anyone.

I'm sorry.

I will post if anything changes, either for the better or for the worse, but if it isn't already obvious, this blog is on indefinite hiatus.

"On Dry Spells" by Audacia Ray

First, go read this post by Audacia Ray.

Done?

Good.

Just because I'm not having sex with my wife doesn't mean I'm not having sex.

It doesn't mean I'm "missing out". It doesn't mean our relationship is damaged or weak or wrong. It just means we're not having sex.

And that's all.

Now that's not to say that not having sex with my wife is a good thing. It still hurts and it still feels like there's something between us. But "fixing" that wouldn't magically make everything else into puppies and sunshine.

Through my writing and reading, and the masturbation sessions they inspire, I have sex.

I have a sex life.

Learning this has been an incredible revelation. I relief, really.

Thank you, Audacia Ray.

Therapist

Finally got back to the therapist on saturday. There are things I just can't say without Kathy there to mediate, and it got a bit rocky there.

I was hard on her. She's been doing things to improve her health and preparation for a physical relationship, and told me about them, and I ignored them. I should have recognized their value.

At the same time, you can't spend all the time in preparation. Even if there are things she needs to do be ready for the kind of sex she wants to have, we shouldn't be sleeping in different beds (she's on the couch 19 nights out of 20 these days) and having no physical contact at all. Which is how things are, and it sucks.

We agreed, at the therapist, to have some kind of contact yesterday, Sunday. She spent the day in bed, and I felt like a rat reminding her of what she had agreed to. I don't like nagging about this. I don't like always always always being the one to start these conversations.

We've got another appointment next month. I'm feeling quite discouraged.

Still on hold.

We had to cancel our appointment, because Dee had a migraine.

I try not to blame her for them. They're not her fault, per se. She gets stressed, and migrainy, and can't go out.

It happened today when the plumbers were scheduled to come fix our master bath. She didn't want to be alone in the house with them, she got stressed out about it, that triggered a migraine, and I stayed home with her. Problem solved. She slept through the day with the migraine (which is how I'm sure she's not faking) and now she's feeling a bit better.

Once we get back on a regular schedule with the therapist she won't have this reaction.

Therapy starting up again.

Our marriage therapist, Kathy, is back from an extended hiatus due to illness. We were about ready to start over and try to find another one, but she's back and we're very grateful. I feel like we've been on hold the whole time.

We see her again on the 27th.

Jealousy

As an erotica author, I feel it's important to depict sexuality accurately. I want to know what people are doing, especially when it comes to unusual circumstances; kink, polyamory, etcetera. As a result I have come in contact with many people who are having lots more sex than I am, and are public about it.

There's always a twinge of jealousy. I feel like I deserve a better situation, when it comes to sex. It's selfish, it's petty, and I'm not proud of them, but those feelings are there.

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine left her husband and children because her relationship with her husband wasn't satisfying to her, in many ways including sexually. I can't imagine what could possibly happen to make ME do that. Maybe the difference is that her husband is, physically at least, able-bodied.

I try very hard not to let those petty jealousies color my relationships. I don't want to be protected from knowing about other folks sex lives, I don't want to dive back into that coccoon that allowed me to stay blissfully ignorant of all the wonderful experiences people are having out there. Life hurts, but it hurts because I choose it to hurt.

Perspective

I just learned that one of my listeners, CA Sizemore, lost his wife.

She died unexpectedly today.

This puts a whole new perspective on my situation, doesn't it? I feel selfish and petty.

Donations from the tribe are being taken at http://casizemoregift.chipin.com

Another Small Victory

We managed to follow the marriage counselor's instructions this morning and had an intimate moment. It took some engineering--medicine, coffee, a pain patch--but we managed to have an enjoyable morning in spite of everything.

After we had our breakfast and showers, we lay down beside each other and fooled around a bit, and when I started getting hard I lubed up and straddled her chest for another round of "intramammary intercourse." In the middle of it she said, "Go ahead, give it to me" and that shot me even higher.

I miss having sex with her... I miss it so much that the orgasms I have there are far more intense than when I masturbate.

After we were done I told her about a corner of the spectrum of D/s sexplay called "Orgasm Control". I told her about some of the ways people use it for sex play, and told her that I found it arousing when she told me to orgasm... and I'd like it more if we extended the play a bit.

She can be something of a prude sometimes, expressing disgust at some practices and complete disinterest in others, but this seems not to have set off any triggers for her. I hope we can explore this area a bit more in future sessions.

She seems to be getting used to the idea that she doesn't have to be feeling her best in order for us to be intimate. Today was definitely not her best day; her neck was sore and she felt a little tired, but she still managed.

Therapy

We went to see the therapist, Kathy, on Saturday. She's been unable to see us for a while due to some health problems, but she's back in the saddle, and so are we.

We told her about the successful sexual encounter and we focused a lot on how to recreate the circumstances that made that possible, and making it a regular part of our relationship rather than a fluke. She gave us the task to recreate those circumstances Sunday morning, mostly consisting of:

1> I get up around 8am
2> Bring her coffee, medicine, and food around 9am
3> Let things develop in an attitude of hopefulness rather than expectation.

It didn't work. Her back was too painful, and instead of any kind of sexual activity, she had me get some lidocaine patches for her back. I'm really not disappointed, though. I'm looking forward to next weekend when we can try again.

I'm thinking that there are aspects of this that require some preparation on Dee's part, to make it more likely that she will wake up without back problems, but I'm not sure what those are.

People tell me I'm great.

People tell me I'm so brave, so noble, so virtuous for staying in this marriage, for doing the 'right thing'. I really don't understand it. Often, I feel lazy for letting the status quo go on for so long.

I read this today.

Sex is fleeting. Striving for it is what causes me this pain. So... is it lazy to let go of the need for it, and let it come if it will?

I'm not brave. I'm not noble. I'm just getting by the best way I know how, like everyone else.

A window closes, a door opens

I have this friend, online. She and I have had a very close relationship for years, sharing our troubles and triumphs, in even the most intimate details. We had played aroundwith text cybersex, and Second Life sex, but over the last month I hadn't been able to get online.

Last night, I logged into Second Life and she told me she was engaged, in Second Life, with someone else. "With someone I love, who loves me, and isn't afraid to say so."

She wanted more from our relationship than I was able to give. It hurt to be told so, but in the end, it was a good thing, at least for me.

This morning, I told my wife what happened. We had a long conversation about relationships, and needs. I told her how tempted I had been to get closer to this woman than would be good for our marriage. We talked about her health, and how she's been lowering her daily medication to be less drug-addled.

Then, she looked at me and said... "Take off your clothes."

I didn't argue. We put a softcore porn movie on the little portable DVD player ("Bacchanales Sexuelles") and lay back while she used her hands and mouth on me. Once I had gotten hard, I took off her shirt, and had a marvelous orgasm between her breasts. For anyone else, this would have been a minor encounter, but for us it was special.

I was so happy I almost cried. We've been talking all day about where to go from here. She wants to get back in the vaginal estrogen treatments, and she's going to try the "orgasm diet" which basically involves a low-carb diet, exercise, fish oil supplements, and dark chocolate.

At the very least, this is another shot of hope. At best, it is the first step to bringing back our sex life.

Some of my readers might be in similar situations. What can you take from this experience? Maintain hope. Don't give up. Talk to her. Tell her you love her. Tell her what you're thinking, tell her what you're feeling. Experiment. Find ways to get around the disability.

Another hopeful sign, or else another cruel twist.

Yesterday, she mentioned that she had tried to masturbate in order to relax for sleep, having been suffering from insomnia. It had been a cure in the past. She said it didn't work, that she didn't have an orgasm. Unsaid, was the orgasm diet she's been on for about a month now.

Personally, I took it as a good sign. It means, to me, that she hasn't given up, though she found it discouraging.

I'm hoping to spend a few hours in sensuality sometime soon and see if approaching it with a mindset less likely to set her up for failure will improve things.

On the safety of solitude

I realized something this week.

Balticon was our first major social outing in years and years. Most people have outings like this every few months. Disability makes them difficult for us.

Solitude is safe. Solitude means we don't come into contact with people who are having full lives. We can fold inwards and pretend we're happy the way we are.

But I'm not happy. I'm deeply, achingly envious of people who can go to conferences and conventions every month or so, without having to worry about how far from home they are, what they'll do if a migraine or arthritis or whatever should show up.

When one member of a family is disabled, the whole family is disabled. I've come to realize this.

I wonder if this isn't behind my wife's apparent reluctance to do anything to amend her life. I think she feels safer wrapped in the cocoon of her disability, rather than go out and be in the world. I'm beginning to think that this inwardness is killing her.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Disability

This article in the NY Times says we all must prepare for the possibility of disability.

Short update

Still on the diet. She hasn't noticed any differences, because he sciatica has been acting up. Today she's on Flexeril and an increased dosage of Topamax, but she doesn't seem to be real loopy. Still just waiting for a "good time".

Heh. Waiting for a good time for a good time.

Orgasm Diet

So more talking and more trying.

We're now trying something called the "Orgasm Diet"... maybe attack this thing from another angle.

Who knows?

Anyways, it's pretty simple...

Low carb, high protien diet (check, already doing that)

No smoking, caffeine, or alcohol (mostly... cutting down the caffeine will be hard but not impossible)

Chocolate - 1 ounce daily of very dark chocolate (65% or more)

Fish oil concentrate - 2g daily of DHA... this amounts to four high-potency fish oil pills, or eight or more of the normal ones.

If there's any good result I'll let you know.

Had an idea the other night.

One of the things that has been a huge brick wall in the way of our sex life has been the fact that penetration is painful for my wife. She's kind of hung up on the idea that sex has to HAVE penetration, and as a result we don't have any sex at all.

The other night I suggested intercrural sex (between the thighs) and she was favorably disposed to trying it out.

Of course, we do a lot of talking and little doing, so we'll see what happens.