Tuesday, March 18, 2008

People tell me I'm great.

People tell me I'm so brave, so noble, so virtuous for staying in this marriage, for doing the 'right thing'. I really don't understand it. Often, I feel lazy for letting the status quo go on for so long.

I read this today.

Sex is fleeting. Striving for it is what causes me this pain. So... is it lazy to let go of the need for it, and let it come if it will?

I'm not brave. I'm not noble. I'm just getting by the best way I know how, like everyone else.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A window closes, a door opens

I have this friend, online. She and I have had a very close relationship for years, sharing our troubles and triumphs, in even the most intimate details. We had played aroundwith text cybersex, and Second Life sex, but over the last month I hadn't been able to get online.

Last night, I logged into Second Life and she told me she was engaged, in Second Life, with someone else. "With someone I love, who loves me, and isn't afraid to say so."

She wanted more from our relationship than I was able to give. It hurt to be told so, but in the end, it was a good thing, at least for me.

This morning, I told my wife what happened. We had a long conversation about relationships, and needs. I told her how tempted I had been to get closer to this woman than would be good for our marriage. We talked about her health, and how she's been lowering her daily medication to be less drug-addled.

Then, she looked at me and said... "Take off your clothes."

I didn't argue. We put a softcore porn movie on the little portable DVD player ("Bacchanales Sexuelles") and lay back while she used her hands and mouth on me. Once I had gotten hard, I took off her shirt, and had a marvelous orgasm between her breasts. For anyone else, this would have been a minor encounter, but for us it was special.

I was so happy I almost cried. We've been talking all day about where to go from here. She wants to get back in the vaginal estrogen treatments, and she's going to try the "orgasm diet" which basically involves a low-carb diet, exercise, fish oil supplements, and dark chocolate.

At the very least, this is another shot of hope. At best, it is the first step to bringing back our sex life.

Some of my readers might be in similar situations. What can you take from this experience? Maintain hope. Don't give up. Talk to her. Tell her you love her. Tell her what you're thinking, tell her what you're feeling. Experiment. Find ways to get around the disability.