Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Therapy starting up again.

Our marriage therapist, Kathy, is back from an extended hiatus due to illness. We were about ready to start over and try to find another one, but she's back and we're very grateful. I feel like we've been on hold the whole time.

We see her again on the 27th.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


As an erotica author, I feel it's important to depict sexuality accurately. I want to know what people are doing, especially when it comes to unusual circumstances; kink, polyamory, etcetera. As a result I have come in contact with many people who are having lots more sex than I am, and are public about it.

There's always a twinge of jealousy. I feel like I deserve a better situation, when it comes to sex. It's selfish, it's petty, and I'm not proud of them, but those feelings are there.

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine left her husband and children because her relationship with her husband wasn't satisfying to her, in many ways including sexually. I can't imagine what could possibly happen to make ME do that. Maybe the difference is that her husband is, physically at least, able-bodied.

I try very hard not to let those petty jealousies color my relationships. I don't want to be protected from knowing about other folks sex lives, I don't want to dive back into that coccoon that allowed me to stay blissfully ignorant of all the wonderful experiences people are having out there. Life hurts, but it hurts because I choose it to hurt.

Monday, May 12, 2008


I just learned that one of my listeners, CA Sizemore, lost his wife.

She died unexpectedly today.

This puts a whole new perspective on my situation, doesn't it? I feel selfish and petty.

Donations from the tribe are being taken at

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Another Small Victory

We managed to follow the marriage counselor's instructions this morning and had an intimate moment. It took some engineering--medicine, coffee, a pain patch--but we managed to have an enjoyable morning in spite of everything.

After we had our breakfast and showers, we lay down beside each other and fooled around a bit, and when I started getting hard I lubed up and straddled her chest for another round of "intramammary intercourse." In the middle of it she said, "Go ahead, give it to me" and that shot me even higher.

I miss having sex with her... I miss it so much that the orgasms I have there are far more intense than when I masturbate.

After we were done I told her about a corner of the spectrum of D/s sexplay called "Orgasm Control". I told her about some of the ways people use it for sex play, and told her that I found it arousing when she told me to orgasm... and I'd like it more if we extended the play a bit.

She can be something of a prude sometimes, expressing disgust at some practices and complete disinterest in others, but this seems not to have set off any triggers for her. I hope we can explore this area a bit more in future sessions.

She seems to be getting used to the idea that she doesn't have to be feeling her best in order for us to be intimate. Today was definitely not her best day; her neck was sore and she felt a little tired, but she still managed.

Monday, April 21, 2008


We went to see the therapist, Kathy, on Saturday. She's been unable to see us for a while due to some health problems, but she's back in the saddle, and so are we.

We told her about the successful sexual encounter and we focused a lot on how to recreate the circumstances that made that possible, and making it a regular part of our relationship rather than a fluke. She gave us the task to recreate those circumstances Sunday morning, mostly consisting of:

1> I get up around 8am
2> Bring her coffee, medicine, and food around 9am
3> Let things develop in an attitude of hopefulness rather than expectation.

It didn't work. Her back was too painful, and instead of any kind of sexual activity, she had me get some lidocaine patches for her back. I'm really not disappointed, though. I'm looking forward to next weekend when we can try again.

I'm thinking that there are aspects of this that require some preparation on Dee's part, to make it more likely that she will wake up without back problems, but I'm not sure what those are.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

People tell me I'm great.

People tell me I'm so brave, so noble, so virtuous for staying in this marriage, for doing the 'right thing'. I really don't understand it. Often, I feel lazy for letting the status quo go on for so long.

I read this today.

Sex is fleeting. Striving for it is what causes me this pain. So... is it lazy to let go of the need for it, and let it come if it will?

I'm not brave. I'm not noble. I'm just getting by the best way I know how, like everyone else.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A window closes, a door opens

I have this friend, online. She and I have had a very close relationship for years, sharing our troubles and triumphs, in even the most intimate details. We had played aroundwith text cybersex, and Second Life sex, but over the last month I hadn't been able to get online.

Last night, I logged into Second Life and she told me she was engaged, in Second Life, with someone else. "With someone I love, who loves me, and isn't afraid to say so."

She wanted more from our relationship than I was able to give. It hurt to be told so, but in the end, it was a good thing, at least for me.

This morning, I told my wife what happened. We had a long conversation about relationships, and needs. I told her how tempted I had been to get closer to this woman than would be good for our marriage. We talked about her health, and how she's been lowering her daily medication to be less drug-addled.

Then, she looked at me and said... "Take off your clothes."

I didn't argue. We put a softcore porn movie on the little portable DVD player ("Bacchanales Sexuelles") and lay back while she used her hands and mouth on me. Once I had gotten hard, I took off her shirt, and had a marvelous orgasm between her breasts. For anyone else, this would have been a minor encounter, but for us it was special.

I was so happy I almost cried. We've been talking all day about where to go from here. She wants to get back in the vaginal estrogen treatments, and she's going to try the "orgasm diet" which basically involves a low-carb diet, exercise, fish oil supplements, and dark chocolate.

At the very least, this is another shot of hope. At best, it is the first step to bringing back our sex life.

Some of my readers might be in similar situations. What can you take from this experience? Maintain hope. Don't give up. Talk to her. Tell her you love her. Tell her what you're thinking, tell her what you're feeling. Experiment. Find ways to get around the disability.