Another concert tonight.

She's out at another concert tonight. I'm glad she's out having fun, and I hope she comes back in a good mood.

Concert tonight

She went to a concert tonight.

Is it even worth trying? She feels better after concerts, but she's in more pain these days than ever before.

Nevertheless, I must try.

Once more into the breach, dear freinds, once more...

It just keeps getting better.

She accidentally took her morning medication this afternoon, and now she's at the hospital ER. She was slurring her words, dizzy and drowsy.

I'm beginning to think that I can't trust her to handle her own affairs anymore.

So much for that, Two

I sat at the foot of the recliner, and massaged her feet. She wouldn't leave the damn recliner.

I'm going to take that thing out and burn it one of these days.

Taking a battering ram to the walls

Last night she said she felt "shut off," as if it's my fault she retreats to the recliner every night.

Well, fuck that.

Tonight, I'm dragging her out of the recliner, and onto the couch where we can touch each other.

Remember "In the Shadow of Pain"?

... well I didn't.

I listened to "Whispered Pearls" (one of the erotic podcasts I listen to) today and they played it, and it got me thinking...

What is it that I *really* want?

So...

I'm thinking.

A change is coming.

I find my thoughts drawn to the idea that my relationship with my wife has to change. We can't keep going on as we have been.

I am losing hope that she will ever be any healthier than she is now, that we will ever have sex again.

So I have a choice.

One, a life of celibate devotion.
Two, secret affairs, probably via the internet, with an eventual discovery on her part and all the pain and betrayal that entails.
Three, somehow convince her that pursuing discreet, online sexual encounters outside of our marriage doesn't mean I don't love her and doesn't mean I'm going to leave her.
Four, end the relationship.

Options two and four are unacceptable. I refuse.

Option one is where I am now, and is becoming harder and harder to bear.

I can't figure out how to broach option three without causing her even more pain, perhaps more than SHE can bear.

I'm trapped in a cage with three doors, all of which are booby-trapped.

Results of the trip

Good things:
We saw my wife's cousin's baby, which always makes her feel better.
We saw my mother in law, so she won't nag for a few months about visiting.

Bad things:
She pushed herself way too hard, and fell down twice, on one occasion breaking two toes and possibly a bone in her foot, and thus, yet MORE pain.

On the whole, I think we would have been better off staying home.

Apprehensive

We're going on a trip to the MIL's house tonight. The train will take us overnight to get there.

Here's a little hope

She's making noise about getting a membership at the pool without me prodding her.

This, in our world, is progress.

In the Shadow of Pain

I kneel outside the gates.
How long have I waited?

The snow has covered my boots.
It drifts about me like a shroud.
I feel icy needles in my fingers,
Clasped to my chest.
The gates will not open.

Sometimes, sometimes, I see
A ray of light from the tallest tower.
A person, a woman
In silhouette
She is there, waiting for me
The gates will not open.

An evil demon has taken the fortress.
Its name is Pain
And as much as I suffer without,
My love suffers worse within.
The gates will not open.

She screams, sometimes, from the windows.
She calls out my name
And bids me go, abandon my vigil
Or shouts imprecations
That somehow
I had summoned the demon
Pain
That binds her
Or bids me enter, and bathe her wounds.
The gates will not open.

I have been here so long,
I live here now.
This is my home.
In the shadow of Pain.
There are other places I could go.
But I would rather be here
And suffer
Than go somewhere else
And be numb.


This poem is about how I feel right now, tonight. It's not supposed to be about reality or relationships or anything else than just that... how I feel, right now.

I swear, it's like living with a fourteen year old.

"I don't think name-calling is appropriate."

I had to say that to her today, with regard to disciplining the recalcitrant daughter. What kind of fucked-up marital relationship includes things like that? Faugh.

Another brick in the wall

Add another condition to the litany of pain.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

She worked in a mental institution for many years, and saw lots of really nasty shit.

On the way home, she told me the worst of it. I'm still on the edge of tears. I knew she was in pain, but ...

I don't know how she stands it.

No change, no change, no change.

I wonder if I should even bother posting here anymore. Nothing's changing, it's the same old same old every fucking day.