I should have known

I broke the promise.

I pulled out some porn and masturbated to orgasm tonight. I was a little mad at her, but not THAT mad. I'm not even sure, now, why I did it... I'm ashamed of myself.

I wish there were another adult in this family.

Heck, I wish there was ONE adult in this family.

It was a stupid promise to make in the first place. It was manipulative. I hoped that if I told her it was hers alone, that she'd value it more. Not likely.

::sigh::

I hate my life.

And the rollercoaster swings yet again...

It's always when things look darkest that the best things happen.

No, my wife and I didn't have eight hours of sexual bliss, but I DID find someone on the net whose wisdom strikes very, very close to what I need right now.

Her name is Ann Regentin, and her site is over here. Specifically, what drew me is this article about how she wishes men would relate to her and her disability.

I am going to be paying a great deal of attention to this woman in the future.

My promise

I talked with her a bit, tonight, about a promise I made a few days ago, that I would not have orgasms unless it was with her.

She thought it was kind of silly, impossible to fulfill given that her equipment doesn't work right.

I said that having an orgasm WITH her wasn't the same as having one IN her and she understood better.

I told her that it wouldn't be fair for her to ask it of me, but she wasn't; it's an offering I'm making to her. And she accepted it, and appreciated what it meant to me, to offer it.

My wife is a homophobe.

We had a long discussion yesterday, in the car, about feminism. She said that the feminist movement (such as NOW) had been "taken over by the Lesbians" and as a result was marginalizing itself, because lesbians certainly couldn't represent HER interests.

I tried to point out all the progress that had been made since she was in college but she couldn't hear it.

I explored it a little, and it appears that she had a traumatic experience in college, where she entered her dorm room to discover her roommate and her roommate's partner in flagrante dilecto... and then was invited to join them. She ran.

Since then, any woman who displays particularly butch attributes has been a figure of scorn.

What am I supposed to do?

Okay, I'm back. One word: Fuck.

I'm back.

It didn't go very well. I should have known. The worst part is, it's pretty much all my fault. I set myself up, and knocked myself down.

We arrived on saturday night full of hope and promise. The hot tub was wonderful. We fooled around a little, but we were too tired from the drive for anything, so we dried off and went in. We had a romantic dinner in our room, that I lovingly cooked for my lady wife. It was delicious. We went to bed around eleven, to be ready for the 8am wakeup for the 9am breakfast.

I was still awake at midnight.

I was still awake at 1am.

I was still awake at 2am.

I was still awake at 3am.

Some time between 3:30 and 4am, I fell asleep. I blame it on the novel I brought along - Kushiel's Avatar - I was in the very worst part of it (for those of you who read the book, when Phedre is "Death's Whore") and I'm sure it was disturbing me.

The next day, after breakfast, we retired to our room. We went back to the hot tub, fooled around a bit, and then decided to go out and do touristy stuff. We saw a local gallery, had a late lunch, and got back to the room around 4pm. Back in the hot tub. We started having sex, and I found it particularly unsatisfying... sex underwater sucks. So we dried off and went inside. I had lost my erection, and it just wouldn't come back.

Here I am... my wife is making herself available to me for the first time in however long, we have moved heaven and earth for it... and I come up impotent.

What a fucking joke.

I should have seen it coming. I had hung WAY too many hopes on this weekend.

The rest of the evening didn't go much better. We went out to dinner, came back, fooled around some more... still nothing. I couldn't get more than about a quarter of an erection, and not for more than a minute or two.

Then we started talking about it... and we both said things we really shouldn't have. I can't share what we said here... it wasn't an argument, but there were plenty of tears on both sides.

So we are left, hurting, wondering what happened, and wondering what to do next.

Fuck.

Tomorrow's the day

Okay, so we're getting ready to leave for our honeymoon. I'm hopeful. The new treatments seem to be working, and she understands, now, that I'm not as interested in seeing touristy stuff and more interested in being with her.

I'll be back on tuesday night, or wednesday to let you know what happened.