Two steps backwards, two steps forward

The new drug regime is in place, she has her knee braces, and she's getting those 'trigger point injections'. We're back to where we were before the last crisis. We're sleeping in bed again, she's lucid until about eight, and things are back to "normal". Normal for us, anyways.

Do I feel any relief? Not a lot. It doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment to get back to a place I was in for years. I want progress, dammit!

Lost ground made up

We slept together in our bed last night. It was very nice. In the morning, I tried to be tender and loving with her as much as I could, giving her little nuzzles and kisses as we had our morning showers and all. She wasn't in a mood to go further, however, as she is very inhibited when the kids are awake.

All in all, a good night, and a good morning. I'm hoping we can sleep in our bed tonight, too.

Pain specialist

She went to a pain specialist yesterday. They're going to try "trigger point therapy" where they put injections straight into the muscle knots.

Another tablespoon of hope in the bucket of despair.

Tears of relief

For the past ... I don't know, a long time... I have felt incredibly alone. I have friends on the internet, of course, and people I talk to on the phone, and people at work... but noone I can really confide in face to face.

Dee found a website today. The link's in the title. It's the "Well Spouse Association".

They have a support group about twenty miles from my home, that meets monthly. I've been in contact with their local contact and if I can get there I'm going to meet them on the fourth. I am nearly in tears, I am so relieved that these people are out there...

Tired of sleeping on the recliner

She's tired of sleeping on the recliner, she wants to get back to our bed... which is fine with me.

It'll take some work to get the room ready for her, but I'm willing to do it. We're going to switch sides on the bed, so that she can have the side nearest the bedroom. We might even change the furniture around.

New conclusions, new directions.

The 75mcg Fentanyl patch was too much. It was making her dizzy. The dizziness caused nausea, and also caused the two bad falls she suffered. The falls were what tore up her knee ligaments.

The nausea made her dehydrated. She's been suffering with it for two weeks now.

We only just got it figured out, and got her Fentanyl dosage lowered back to 50mcg.

Hopefully we're through this rough patch.

Sleeping on the couch

Is this irony?

Sleeping on the couch is a cliche for a marriage in trouble. The couple is sitting in bed, talking about something... money, sex, what have you... and something finally breaks. Someone has had it, and he or she either grabs a pillow and blanket and goes down to sleep on the couch, or else exiles the other to do the same.

The first night that she slept in the recliner, I felt terribly alone. The second night was worse. I knew I couldn't take any more. So I started sleeping on the couch. It's not as good as sleeping snuggled up against her back, one arm wrapped around her, like hours-long hug, but at least I'm in the same room with her.

That's about the extent of our intimacy. "At least I'm in the same room with her."

This has to change. It's just getting worse. It has to change now. Illness be damned. I'm not standing up for this.

Orthopedist

She went to the orthopedist today. He looked at the MRI films and decided that surgery wasn't warranted. He prescribed knee braces and physical therapy... a good thing, in our opinion.

She found a supplier of knee braces that can be worn underwater. Since this is the only place she can get exercise, this is a good thing.

She's still in a buttload of pain, though.

Fibromyalgia

She found a book today that links fibromyalgia to salicylates.

If it's true, it's quite a nasty trick for nature to play. Aspirin is a salicylate, as is the mint family. So both of them are out, to see if they help with the pain. There's a bunch of other advice in the book that may prove useful.

For now, of course, the focus is on the injury in her knees.

I was able to get out of the house and meet with some friends today for a few hours. It felt good to get out, and forget my troubles for a while, but when I came back I felt guilty for abandoning her.

She's sleeping in the recliner every night now, because the stairs are too much for her to manage. I think I'm going to sleep on the couch. At least I can be near her.

Because fat people don't injure themselves, clearly

She needs some knee braces. We went to every place that carries them in town, and even though the manufacturer makes them up to size "XXXL" the biggest any of the stores had was XL.

Because clearly, fat people don't injure themselves playing sports.

Fuckers.

Gah! Not giving up. Not giving up.

I moved her computer (a mini mac) over to the table next to the recliner. If she's going to be stuck there 16 hours a day at least she's going to be able to do something and not just let the TV wash over her.

Also (finally) got my Christmas present from Pixie, a book titled "Kushiel's Dart" by Jacqueline Carey. It's not what I'd ordinarily read but I'm going to give it a shot anyways.

Injury

I had to work late at the office today (big deadline tomorrow) so she had to cook dinner for the kids. She slipped in the kitchen, and wrenched her knee. Now there are bruises coming up between the muscles, a sure sign that she's ripped something inside it.

Xrays, MRI's, maybe a CT scan, more drugs, maybe even surgery.

It never ends.

It never. fucking. ends.

Pseudoaddiction

(Click the title for a good link about this nasty little syndrome)

Based on what she's told me about her relationship with the doctor that prescribes her pain meds, my wife is pretty deep into this syndrome.

In brief, pseudoaddiction is the set of symptoms that come about when a chronic pain patient fails to get enough medication. A pseudoaddict is constantly seeking more medication, often dramatizing pain symptoms to the doctor in order to try to get them to prescribe stronger drugs. The problem is that the doctor is looking for addiction symptoms, which look pretty much the same, and instead of raising the dose, LOWER it... thus making the pseudoaddiction worse.

It's a disease caused by doctors who don't trust their patients.

Needless to say, she's finding a new pain specialist.

Exercise is an anti-depressant

I look back on the last post and wonder how I could have been so negative, but then I just finished my workout about an hour ago, so I'm all endorphin-y.

I'm not really losing weight with this workout, but then that's not what it's for. I don't really have that much fat on my body, maybe ten or fifteen pounds extra. What I want to do is get stronger, fitter, and look better. I have to look at this body, it might as well be something I don't cringe at when I look in the mirror.

I haven't been doing this for long... eight weeks, I think? I have already noticed all kinds of great effects on my body.

I laugh more readily. I also cry more readily, but I think that's a good thing most of the time.

My stomach muscles hold my gut in "naturally" all day... I don't have to "suck it in".

I tried jogging to the grocery store the other day. I made it the whole way (about 300 yards) without getting winded... six months ago I wouldn't have been able to manage 50 yards.

Now I won't say that I'm "fit" yet... I have a long way to go. But the benefits I have found from just a few weeks of exercise have been dramatic.

Why didn't anyone tell me that the changes would come so quickly?