Another hopeful sign, or else another cruel twist.

Yesterday, she mentioned that she had tried to masturbate in order to relax for sleep, having been suffering from insomnia. It had been a cure in the past. She said it didn't work, that she didn't have an orgasm. Unsaid, was the orgasm diet she's been on for about a month now.

Personally, I took it as a good sign. It means, to me, that she hasn't given up, though she found it discouraging.

I'm hoping to spend a few hours in sensuality sometime soon and see if approaching it with a mindset less likely to set her up for failure will improve things.

On the safety of solitude

I realized something this week.

Balticon was our first major social outing in years and years. Most people have outings like this every few months. Disability makes them difficult for us.

Solitude is safe. Solitude means we don't come into contact with people who are having full lives. We can fold inwards and pretend we're happy the way we are.

But I'm not happy. I'm deeply, achingly envious of people who can go to conferences and conventions every month or so, without having to worry about how far from home they are, what they'll do if a migraine or arthritis or whatever should show up.

When one member of a family is disabled, the whole family is disabled. I've come to realize this.

I wonder if this isn't behind my wife's apparent reluctance to do anything to amend her life. I think she feels safer wrapped in the cocoon of her disability, rather than go out and be in the world. I'm beginning to think that this inwardness is killing her.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Disability

This article in the NY Times says we all must prepare for the possibility of disability.

Short update

Still on the diet. She hasn't noticed any differences, because he sciatica has been acting up. Today she's on Flexeril and an increased dosage of Topamax, but she doesn't seem to be real loopy. Still just waiting for a "good time".

Heh. Waiting for a good time for a good time.

Orgasm Diet

So more talking and more trying.

We're now trying something called the "Orgasm Diet"... maybe attack this thing from another angle.

Who knows?

Anyways, it's pretty simple...

Low carb, high protien diet (check, already doing that)

No smoking, caffeine, or alcohol (mostly... cutting down the caffeine will be hard but not impossible)

Chocolate - 1 ounce daily of very dark chocolate (65% or more)

Fish oil concentrate - 2g daily of DHA... this amounts to four high-potency fish oil pills, or eight or more of the normal ones.

If there's any good result I'll let you know.

Had an idea the other night.

One of the things that has been a huge brick wall in the way of our sex life has been the fact that penetration is painful for my wife. She's kind of hung up on the idea that sex has to HAVE penetration, and as a result we don't have any sex at all.

The other night I suggested intercrural sex (between the thighs) and she was favorably disposed to trying it out.

Of course, we do a lot of talking and little doing, so we'll see what happens.

You may be wondering why there are no posts...

You (that is, all four of you who actually read this) may be wondering why there haven't been any posts for a while.

The reason is that things really aren't changing. There's not much to report. Stagnation is the order of the day, at least as far as my marriage is concerned. Everything I've tried has gone nowhere, and right now I'm out of ideas. We haven't even been back to the marriage therapist.

My New Year's Resolution

My New Year's Resolution this year is to stop enabling my wife's bad habits that are preventing her from getting the surgery she needs.

She doesn't get enough exercise and she doesn't eat right... and those rub off on me as well. We have two or three desserts a night, and I've been the one who was making them. Not anymore. I am making ONE dessert a night, and sharing it with the kids.

We are getting a membership to the local pool and I'm taking her swimming two mornings a week.