There goes this weekend

She's asleep now, sleeping off a migraine brought on by an unexpected dose of MSG. She'll probably be miserable tomorrow, too.

Hoping for change is just a fool's game. Why did I even bother with this? I should just give up trying, give up hoping, and just accept that I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my fucking life.

Just a short update

Not a whole lot to report. My wife's health continues to be poor. Lately, it's her knees; she tore the "anterior cruciate ligament" years ago, and they've never been right since. She took a spill a few days ago, and she's been off her feet 23 hours a day ever since.

I'm thinking of pulling her recliner out into the middle of the room, and making (very careful, gentle) love to her right there, where she's most comfortable.

Deliciously Naughty in my headphones

By now, of course, my loyal readers (all three of you) will know about Ellie Lumpesse's "Bedroom Radio." Add another sexy voice with an erotic podcast to my list.

Kristen of "Deliciously Naughty" has a lovely voice and knows how to produce good audio quality. I've listened to her three podcasts so far (haven't yet started the Victorian erotica multi-chapter story) and I'm thrilled with them.

Which leads me to the topic of sex, and headphones, and wires.

I almost always have a pair of headphones on when I masturbate, with "Bedroom Radio", or any of a number of other erotic audio files running. The wife and I have talked about having her record something for me, but so far we haven't actually done it.

Pixie (see the Pixie at Play link to the right) uses headphones regularly in her bondage-play.

My wife uses a TENS unit for pain relief on a regular basis, and of course being the internet sexhound I am, I investigated the erotic potential (so to speak) of the device and found an interesting twist... put one electrode on me and another on her, and then "complete the circuit" with some conductive, water-based lube.

So. Electro-stim, audio feedback, turn on the current...

Of course that's just a fantasy for the time being, but maybe someday I'll get to try it out.

Too funny not to share

Click the title link.

What do YOU taste like?

A small update

She had a "Hylogen" (sp?) treatment today. It's basically a lube job for her knees. It hurts now, but helps for a good six months in the future.

More painkillers, more muscle relaxants.

To Hoot or not to Hoot?

Today was the office holiday party. We had lunch at a fancy buffet, which was fine, but I wasn't feeling well and begged off the follow-up, which was an expedition to Hooters.

Considering the situation, I'm probably well off for not having gone.

Why do I torture myself?

Why do I do it? Why do I constantly go read sites like the Pixie at Play blog, or the Summer Camp novels, or the Whispered Pearls podcast, or anything else that keeps reminding me that other folks out there have healthy, happy, ACTIVE sex lives? Why don't I just turn into a prude and pretend that anyone who's having more fun than I am is sick? I'd probably be a lot happier.

::sigh::

Maybe it's because I want to maintain hope. Maybe I want to experience it vicariously.

Maybe I'm wallowing.

Another "solution" to the problem...

Dutch fellow who reads Regina Lynn's "Sex Drive" mailing list is in a similar situation to mine, but instead his wife is suffering from the effects of a childhood sexual trauma.

He wrote:

Ok I read through all your people's responses, I discussed it with
my wife (she really didn't like some responses) and stewed over it
for a while.

Lemme make several observations that will no doubt complicate the
whole issue...

1. Several years I stimulated my wife, (a) in order to complement
*her* income and (b) assert *her* sexuality and (c) get her to not
be affraid of men to start dabbling in BDSM. She is now one of the
first and foremost Dominatrices in the area. While her
(occasional/few) clients realize they won't get an inch of sexuality
or eroticism from her she gives extremely brutal dominance, she gets
paid, she learns a lot about men and the human body and bloody hell -
since she start doing this she sure knows how to beat the living
daylights out of any man who annoy her. Incidentially, yesterday,
and I am not exaggerating, she broke someone's knee, ripped his face
with her nails so it is very likely he be needing stitches, all
after grabbing his nuts and applying maximum pressure. In the tram
over here the guy was standing behind her and was softly riding her
ass. She warned him once.

This is heartwarming to me, brings a smile to my face. I would have
loved to see the guy at a police station, his face literally
bleeding, trying to explain what happened. Or the same to his wife,
if he had any.

2. My wife is not just some wife. She is not sitting at home doing
the potatoes. She is goth-punk, mean as hell, trained as ballet
dancer at the royal conservatory. The fact that her brother had his
dick in her from her age 6 to age 13, plus she was raped 3 days at
gunpoint at age 16, caused her -understandably- to abandon sex. Oh
when I first met her we did it. Our favorite was anal sex. She
fucked me and I fucked her so we had few inhibitions, rather far-out
fantasies and desires. Suffice to say we are not just average
people. Most dictums about marriage, everlasting crap, cultural
norms et al do not apply to us.

3. Up till this point I haven't had sex in almost two years. In the
time I am married I have not had sex with another woman. I gave a
friend a blowjob once but she has NO problem with that particular
choice (she is a fag hag). Whereas a blowjob is nice play with a
nice and clean guy, it doesn't get me off. Homosexual interaction is
something else, something additive, but it does not arouse me
emotionally or sexually up to the level it sates my innermost
desires. As such my wife, so far, can consider me chaste, loyal and
observant of whatever matrimonial vows.

I need to add that at the time we married, we were accompanied by
two guys (HER wedding gift from her friends) in semi-drag dressed as
Marilyn Manson and Twiggy (for those who know them...). Imagine a
quiet suburb, across a church built in the 1200s we being pummeled
with garlic on a monemental graveyard older than the united states.

4. After 2 years of living with her I knew something wasn't wrong.
It took another few years before she conquered her dissociative
disorder before she could tell me about what her brother did.
However by 1998 I was stumbling in my life and feelings and was
falling into severe depression. The fact that I had a really sexy
woman with me all day that didn't show a pinch of sexual desire was
a really big part in this. I desintegrated steadily into a worse
state, moving to effexor by 2001.

Incidentally, ALL my therapists (4 of them) actively suggested I
leave her.

However late 2003 I quit all the meds. THAT was a nightmare,
quitting effexor. This year I started bodybuilding again (with my
wife) and well, that woke me up. My desire has flooded back
explosively. Suffice to say by now I think antidepressants did
NOTHING for me. Ruined my life for several years.

Ok, now, after several years or steadily diminishing sexuality,
spectacularly increased (but steadily more unfulfilling
masturbation) I have had enough. I have had enough for a frew years
now, but after stumbling into several fantasies of mine (including
one about being a female prostitute) in the online game of Second
Life, I felt such an invigorating revivance of my sexuality I knew
what I wanted for damn sure.

Now I understand this is one complex picture. But it isn't the
entire picture. I love my wife. I don't want to leave her. I am
closer to her than any relationship I know off, and I know that for
sure. All our friends say this is poetry, apart from the scars that
make things difficult between us. We are almost telepathic.

But a human soul can only take so much. She knows the day is coming
closer that I come home and my face will tell the tale immediately.
I will have fucked another woman that day. She knows this will
happen. I am not really looking for it to actively, besides, I am
really picky when it comes to women, so It can be a few months
before it happens. But eventually it will happen.

And then comes the risk. Will it be a girl or woman who makes me
cum, say, once a month and I have some level of simple animal fun
with? OR will it be a crushing love affair, with HER making demands,
ME feeling love and attachment and all that imminent trouble? I
honestly don't know. I can't imagine anyone wants a relationship
with someone like me (a real honest weirdo) whereas I can imagine
some woman wants me for a fuck once or twice a month.

But it can go horribly wrong. Not likely. But it can.

Problem is, my wife is lovestruck with me. Every day. She loves me,
I love her. She needs me, in many ways. I cannot leave her, even if
I wanted to. I cannot imagine it any other way. And I don't even
wanna start about monetary considerations. If either us leaves the
other it would mean one living as homeless person. Such is our socio-
economic situation. And me OR her having to live as a homeless
person would be DEADLY because of either (mine and hers) health
situation. So basicly if one of us would leave, run off, it would be
deadly almost certainly. So for me to just go and have a divorce,
leave (etc) is no solution.

After all this story people will consider it kinda weird she is
incapable of sexual desires for me, but she has none. I am
absolutely certain by now I lost mine. Sex is not a part of the
story any more. And we are far, far beyond the point of sillyness
like therapy. NO therapy.

Oh will she freak out when that day I tell her? Ys hon, it happened?
Part of her might become so crazy she kills someone. She is that way.

NO easy solutions anywhere in sight.

Now I don't agree with Marcus's solution to the "problem", that is, to seek a sexual partner outside of his marriage, but I agree that there is no easy solution.

For one thing, we haven't given up on medical treatment for her condition, and I haven't given up on a sex life with my wife. Also, if my wife ever had the slightest reason to think I was seeking sexual gratification elsewhere, well... it wouldn't be pretty.

I take what I can get.

She has a migraine this morning. It's to be expected; she always gets a migraine after a fall.

She asked me to rub her temples. I knelt by her recliner and massaged her temples, and jaw muscles, and stroked her cheek and her head. I am feeling almost more emotion than I can contain, because it's the most touch we have been allowed in days. I can't show it now, though, because the kids are around, and they wouldn't understand.

Yet another setback

::sigh::

My wife had some trouble getting our daughter out of the car today (she was being a total bitsch by all accounts) and threw her back out. So this saturday is a wash, too... the chances of her being in any mood for anything tomorrow are very slim.

I wanted to talk about how it's not appropriate for her to be trying to armtwist an eleven year old girl, but given her mood I think I did the right thing to skip it. I'd rather be happy than right.

I've decided to stop reading Summer Camp long enough to finish Our Robot. I'm at chapter 27 of book 3, so I don't feel in any rush to get it done before he starts book 4. The book's an incredible emotional rollercoaster. I can't read much of it at a time anyways. A little rest will be good for me.

My google-fu is strong

Okay... my task... find a porn DVD that satisfies the following requirements:

1> A maximum of plot, character, drama - that is, a "Feature."
2> No lesbian sex
3> A minimum of surgery

First hit: "Island Fever"

Review excerpt: " It seemed like every part of the movie followed the same order of events. Girl poses in beautiful outdoor setting. Girl masturbates. Then guy shows up. Then she blows him. Then they have sex. Then they caress. There was no veering from the plan at all. So it became monotonous."

No thanks.

Second hit: "Adrenaline"

Review excerpt: " Overall: Currently, Adrenaline can be found online for between $14 and $25 with most stores offering it for $22 and up. For $14 this should be on almost every adult film fan’s shelf. Both the movie and the sex are great. It sounds great but the video has a few minor flaws, none of which really interfere with the movie, and some grain which might turn some people off."

Sounds like a winner.

So I go looking for it.

$5.95, plus $2.99 shipping. Booyah. I got me a porno.

Erotic christmas

On the way to work today, I had something of an inspiration. Whether it turns out to be of any use, time will tell.

My wife was driving. I turned off This Week In Tech and said, "Okay... so let's take a couple things as given... one, I'm a clueless, insensitive man, and two, since your recovery started your body and mind worked differently than before. You say your libido is coming back... that means you're getting turned on sometimes, right?"

"Sure."

"So what's turning you on these days? I don't know what to do to turn you on anymore."

She had to think about that.

"Tell you what," I said. "Think about it. Tell me what you want for Christmas that's erotic. An erotic Christmas present." I suggested 1> I write an erotic story for her with whatever elements she wants, 2> Script and record an erotic MP3 story, or 3> Buy her whatever porno DVD she wants.

She said #1 or #3 would be fine, but in either case she wanted "plot, character, drama..."

Which is fine. Now I know I can write... but I wonder what porno DVD can there be, that has plot, character, drama AND doesn't have any lesbian scenes? (She hates lesbian scenes).

And then you read something like this

You know, it doesn't take long for the Almighty (whichever brand you buy) to come down and smack you on the head, sometimes, does it?

Another erotica author from WAY back, known as Net Wolf, has recently put his most recent novel (along with an archive of all his other writings) up as a 'thank you' gift for donating $20. When I checked into WHY he was doing this... well...

Damn.

Kinda puts it all in perspective, dunnit?

So of course now I feel like a total putz for getting all worked up about my problems. Sheesh.

Check out the link to see what I mean.

Feeling better today

It's amazing how much stress exercise can burn off. I did my calisthenics routine this morning, and I feel MUCH better. I should have done it yesterday.

I've been doing the calisthenics routine for about three weeks. It's a pretty simple workout. Let me see if I can remember it without running and getting my outline:

3 minutes running in place to warm up
25 jumping jacks (now boosted to 35)
15 crunches (now boosted to 20)
10 hip bridges (now boosted to 15)
1 minute step-ups
10 reverse crunches (now boosted to 15)
1 minute mountain climbers
10 knee push-ups (now boosted to 3 "true" pushups and 7 knee pushups)
30 squat thrusts in one minute

I think that's all of it.

I am pushing the crunches until I feel it burning. I have a bit of a gut and I'm finding that the crunches are helping to trim it in a little - the muscles are holding it in a little, without consciously "sucking it in".

The squat thrusts are still kicking my ass. I was able to do 13 today before I started getting dizzy, and afterwards my heart rate was over 170. I pushed that one a bit too far. I'll crank back to 12 on thursday.

Writing Erotica

I write erotica. I have done for most of my time in "the desert", mostly in little notebooks that I kept in my bedside table or in the bathroom. The reason is simple. It turns me on. The images I put to paper all exist in my head, but when I write them out they become more powerful, distilled maybe, but more like they attain a small semblance of reality.

A lot of my erotica was an attempt to describe various ways that my life could be different if my wife weren't disabled. For a long time, the experience was so powerful that I could write no more than a few sentences at a time, before I would go and masturbate. The stories grew, bit by bit, in a very unusual way. After masturbating, the urge to write was gone. When I came back later, I'd read through what was written, and it would inspire the next few sentences. Sometimes the new bit wouldn't be part of the original plan, and the story would take a brand new direction.

Lately I've started writing from a somewhat less intimate point of view. I thought it was coming out pretty good. Some famous author once said that a new author has to write a million words of crap before anything good shows up - if so, maybe those fantasies counted against that million. I started posting my work on Stories Online (link in the sidebar) and so far it has been fairly well received.

I don't know why I suddenly felt the need to share this stuff - not just the stories, but this blog - but something about it feels right. Is it a plea for sympathy? An exhibitionistic streak? I don't know.

I'm not looking for help. "Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives, and I decline."

I guess I'm just looking for a place to scream.

Here I am.

So, where to start.

I have been married for about fifteen years. My wife wasn't exactly healthy when we met, but she was healthy enough that eleven years ago she gave birth to a beautiful pair of twins. We had an active life, both in a sexual way and many others.

Things have gone downhill since then.

My wife has always been plagued with migraines. So the preface to this story is pain.

About seven years ago, she had gastric bypass surgery because her (let's not mince words) obesity had become life-threatening. Among other things, it had begun causing severe arthritis in her knees. She had a post-operative, multiple-antibiotic-resistant staph infection that took six months of intravenous treatment to cure.

The damage to her abdominal muscles was severe. As you may already know, your abdominal muscles are very important to standing upright. If they're not strong, it puts a lot of strain on your back. For my wife, even sitting upright is a strain.

With me so far?

The infection and medication fouled up my wife's metabolism. She's had chronic fibromyalgia (medical doublespeak for "your muscles hurt") ever since then, bad enough to require percocet (sp?) on a fairly regular basis, along with a mild case of adult-onset diabetes.

So... more pain.

Migraine, arthritis, back pain, fibromyalgia. Between those four horsemen of our apocalypse, were it not for her medication, she'd be in agony 24 hours a day.

Thank God for modern medicine.

The thing is, if she has enough medication to dull the pain to the point that she's not screaming, she's dizzy and sluggish. She spends about twenty hours a day flat on her back, either in bed, or in her recliner in the living room. If she stays off her feet, the pain is more manageable. Unfortunately, sans exercise, most of her conditions won't get any better.

It's a brutal catch-22.

Oh, and did I mention antidepressants? Never mind. No need to go further with that.

I'm not asking for solutions. My wife has more than competent medical care, including (but not limited to) a pain specialist, physical therapist, chiropractor, masseuse, and a good diet. Please don't send me your suggestions... we've been through them all.

So the upshot of this is that there has been very little intimacy in our marriage in the last five years. Her pain and medication pretty much destroyed her libido, and she had pretty much zero sexual response.

For a long time, I had resigned myself to this situation. I satisfied the glands with masturbation and internet porn, and loved my wife with housework and cooking and cuddling at bedtime.

Recently, our insurance changed, and my wife got access to some improved treatment. She changed her antidepressant, she changed her pain medicine regimen, she got chiropractic and massage. Things started to improve for her health.

Two weeks ago, tentatively, we had sex. By anyone's standards but ours, it wasn't fabulous. It started as a cuddle. She reached out to me, I reached out to her. We kissed. She fondled me a little. Some oral play, nipples, cock, ending in good old fashioned missionary position.

I felt alive. I felt like the besieging armies around my wife's heart had been parted, and my white knight relieving force had gotten into the castle. Hooray!

We talked about it afterwards. We decided that at the stage in our lives where we were, spontaneity wasn't something we could afford anymore. We reserved saturday nights for sex - sex of some kind. It might be a makeout session, or erotic massage, or the full deal if that's what she's up for. She agreed to save her energy and not wipe herself out on saturdays.

Last week, she had gone shopping, and forgot to get one of the kids to bring the bags in. She hurt her back.

Pain.

So... she wasn't really up for anything last week. She apologized for "messing things up" and I accepted it, but I was still, emotionally, very disappointed.

Day before yesterday, another saturday, our daughter ended up staying up until eleven, and by the time we got to bed, we were both too tired for sex. She asked for a rain check, delaying until yesterday.

Migraine.

The disappointment and frustration welled up. I went into the bathroom with a sexy audio file on my MP3 player to jack off. I felt hurt and angry, not so much at my wife as at the situation. I almost couldn't get it up. "Great," I thought, "Impotence. Just what we need. I'm such a fucking loser."

Yeah, yeah, I know, stress was the culprit there. I wasn't exactly rational.

So when I went to bed, the frustration was even worse. I tried to cuddle up, the way we usually do, and I couldn't repress a little sob. She asked me what was wrong, and it all came out. Five years of pain and hurt and frustration and anger and disappointment and sadness, in a screaming crying fit that lasted an hour.

If you think I'm a pussy for crying, just move the fuck along, I don't want to hear it.

In between crying jags, we talked. We talked about how when things were in a steady state, with no hope and no future, we could be content, if not exactly happy with the situation. Hope, however, is stressful, and a setback so early in our journey back to physical intimacy is especially painful.

So here we are. Things will get better. I still have hope.

Now, the following morning, I'm still hurting. We've got some plans, on what to do next. We're going to try having sex in the morning, after the kids go off to school, rather than in the evening when she's tired and hurting from the day's exertions.