Another "solution" to the problem...

Dutch fellow who reads Regina Lynn's "Sex Drive" mailing list is in a similar situation to mine, but instead his wife is suffering from the effects of a childhood sexual trauma.

He wrote:

Ok I read through all your people's responses, I discussed it with
my wife (she really didn't like some responses) and stewed over it
for a while.

Lemme make several observations that will no doubt complicate the
whole issue...

1. Several years I stimulated my wife, (a) in order to complement
*her* income and (b) assert *her* sexuality and (c) get her to not
be affraid of men to start dabbling in BDSM. She is now one of the
first and foremost Dominatrices in the area. While her
(occasional/few) clients realize they won't get an inch of sexuality
or eroticism from her she gives extremely brutal dominance, she gets
paid, she learns a lot about men and the human body and bloody hell -
since she start doing this she sure knows how to beat the living
daylights out of any man who annoy her. Incidentially, yesterday,
and I am not exaggerating, she broke someone's knee, ripped his face
with her nails so it is very likely he be needing stitches, all
after grabbing his nuts and applying maximum pressure. In the tram
over here the guy was standing behind her and was softly riding her
ass. She warned him once.

This is heartwarming to me, brings a smile to my face. I would have
loved to see the guy at a police station, his face literally
bleeding, trying to explain what happened. Or the same to his wife,
if he had any.

2. My wife is not just some wife. She is not sitting at home doing
the potatoes. She is goth-punk, mean as hell, trained as ballet
dancer at the royal conservatory. The fact that her brother had his
dick in her from her age 6 to age 13, plus she was raped 3 days at
gunpoint at age 16, caused her -understandably- to abandon sex. Oh
when I first met her we did it. Our favorite was anal sex. She
fucked me and I fucked her so we had few inhibitions, rather far-out
fantasies and desires. Suffice to say we are not just average
people. Most dictums about marriage, everlasting crap, cultural
norms et al do not apply to us.

3. Up till this point I haven't had sex in almost two years. In the
time I am married I have not had sex with another woman. I gave a
friend a blowjob once but she has NO problem with that particular
choice (she is a fag hag). Whereas a blowjob is nice play with a
nice and clean guy, it doesn't get me off. Homosexual interaction is
something else, something additive, but it does not arouse me
emotionally or sexually up to the level it sates my innermost
desires. As such my wife, so far, can consider me chaste, loyal and
observant of whatever matrimonial vows.

I need to add that at the time we married, we were accompanied by
two guys (HER wedding gift from her friends) in semi-drag dressed as
Marilyn Manson and Twiggy (for those who know them...). Imagine a
quiet suburb, across a church built in the 1200s we being pummeled
with garlic on a monemental graveyard older than the united states.

4. After 2 years of living with her I knew something wasn't wrong.
It took another few years before she conquered her dissociative
disorder before she could tell me about what her brother did.
However by 1998 I was stumbling in my life and feelings and was
falling into severe depression. The fact that I had a really sexy
woman with me all day that didn't show a pinch of sexual desire was
a really big part in this. I desintegrated steadily into a worse
state, moving to effexor by 2001.

Incidentally, ALL my therapists (4 of them) actively suggested I
leave her.

However late 2003 I quit all the meds. THAT was a nightmare,
quitting effexor. This year I started bodybuilding again (with my
wife) and well, that woke me up. My desire has flooded back
explosively. Suffice to say by now I think antidepressants did
NOTHING for me. Ruined my life for several years.

Ok, now, after several years or steadily diminishing sexuality,
spectacularly increased (but steadily more unfulfilling
masturbation) I have had enough. I have had enough for a frew years
now, but after stumbling into several fantasies of mine (including
one about being a female prostitute) in the online game of Second
Life, I felt such an invigorating revivance of my sexuality I knew
what I wanted for damn sure.

Now I understand this is one complex picture. But it isn't the
entire picture. I love my wife. I don't want to leave her. I am
closer to her than any relationship I know off, and I know that for
sure. All our friends say this is poetry, apart from the scars that
make things difficult between us. We are almost telepathic.

But a human soul can only take so much. She knows the day is coming
closer that I come home and my face will tell the tale immediately.
I will have fucked another woman that day. She knows this will
happen. I am not really looking for it to actively, besides, I am
really picky when it comes to women, so It can be a few months
before it happens. But eventually it will happen.

And then comes the risk. Will it be a girl or woman who makes me
cum, say, once a month and I have some level of simple animal fun
with? OR will it be a crushing love affair, with HER making demands,
ME feeling love and attachment and all that imminent trouble? I
honestly don't know. I can't imagine anyone wants a relationship
with someone like me (a real honest weirdo) whereas I can imagine
some woman wants me for a fuck once or twice a month.

But it can go horribly wrong. Not likely. But it can.

Problem is, my wife is lovestruck with me. Every day. She loves me,
I love her. She needs me, in many ways. I cannot leave her, even if
I wanted to. I cannot imagine it any other way. And I don't even
wanna start about monetary considerations. If either us leaves the
other it would mean one living as homeless person. Such is our socio-
economic situation. And me OR her having to live as a homeless
person would be DEADLY because of either (mine and hers) health
situation. So basicly if one of us would leave, run off, it would be
deadly almost certainly. So for me to just go and have a divorce,
leave (etc) is no solution.

After all this story people will consider it kinda weird she is
incapable of sexual desires for me, but she has none. I am
absolutely certain by now I lost mine. Sex is not a part of the
story any more. And we are far, far beyond the point of sillyness
like therapy. NO therapy.

Oh will she freak out when that day I tell her? Ys hon, it happened?
Part of her might become so crazy she kills someone. She is that way.

NO easy solutions anywhere in sight.

Now I don't agree with Marcus's solution to the "problem", that is, to seek a sexual partner outside of his marriage, but I agree that there is no easy solution.

For one thing, we haven't given up on medical treatment for her condition, and I haven't given up on a sex life with my wife. Also, if my wife ever had the slightest reason to think I was seeking sexual gratification elsewhere, well... it wouldn't be pretty.